In reading your question I can hear several things. I hear patience, maturity, and wisdom. All of which are extremely important traits if any of us are to ever achieve the peace and happiness we desire. Congratulations you sound very well adjusted especially considering the average 35 y/o has the emotional and relational capacity of a 9th grader. :)) But that's not all I hear, there are a couple of other things I hear as well, even in only faintly, that may prove to be problematic if not considered.
***NOTE: I will assume that since you are seeking my advice you will not be offended by my penchant to use Biblical references and a Spiritual context in explaining some key concepts.*** So here goes...
#1 - One of the things I detect is the feeling of "abandonment". This is a dangerous and very destructive emotion and although sometimes it is entirely warranted most often it is not. Honestly, this word shouldn’t even be in the Christian vocabulary. It is impossible for a true believer to ever actually be “abandoned”. Further, when our friends are not in position or seem unwilling to assist us, it is often God’s hand that is restraining them. Many times what we consider abandonment is simply God isolating us so we can learn to depend more deeply and fully on Him and His provision/plan for our lives.
And further still, there are those of us that are being called out from among our friends because they are not destined to go where God is leading. Don’t mistake “preparation” for abandonment. Don’t mistake “isolation” for abandonment. And most definitely don’t mistake God’s plan to draw you closer to Him as if it is instead just your friends pulling away from you. Now I am no one to say whether your assessment of the situation is valid or not, it could very well be. All I hope is that you take some time and consider other possibilities.
#2 - I hear resentment, but this is most likely a byproduct of the feelings generated by your sense of abandonment. Reconsider your conclusions about abandonment and it will work to eliminate the resentment that is may be looking to take root.
#3 – I also hear fatigue. It sounds to me like you’ve been fighting the good fight in your emotional state and in your relationships holding out for the one God has for you. However, you still strongly desire the security and comfort of a significant other; so strongly in fact, your “defenses” may be weakening to the point that you are considering reevaluating your relationship standards. This may only be on a subconscious level but there are clues in your question that point to this conclusion. To that I say stay the course. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Most people don’t realize it, but you can’t be a productive part of a healthy relationship until you are comfortable being alone. Besides if you know someone is not “suitable” don’t make up excuses for them or lower your standards just to be with someone. Conversely, don’t drive someone away who is perfect for you just because they don’t measure up to the list you created in your mind. Never give up the fight to keep your mind, heart, and eyes open.
#4 – I hear stress… Stress related to standing by your resolve and your decision making process. You asked, “Should I just accept this as ‘quiet time’?” This question indicates that in your heart you don’t feel like this should just be quiet time. It sounds like you are accustomed to fighting to get what you want /need /desire /expect… I know that can get stressful particularly when you feel as if you are fighting alone. But this takes us full circle to the feeling of abandonment…
Is it remotely possible that God is orchestrating this season in your life to draw you closer to Him? Is it possible that God is waiting on you to learn how to rest in His power and provision? After all, if we are to believe the Bible then His power is made perfect in our weakness, right? Some fights are not ours to fight. So if God is speaking to your heart to move… move. But if you feel God is telling you to just be quiet. Then be quiet. But not just quiet like a butterfly, apathetic and ignorant of your surroundings, but be quiet more like a leopard getting in position to pounce.
For those of us truly called according to His purpose there is no such thing as “just quiet time”. With the proper understanding and expectation we can rest and prepare for battle while God tears down the walls of Jericho. Ultimately we are most powerful when we are totally dependent upon God to move on our behalf. So don’t just be quiet; but be still, quiet, and prayerful listening for battle instructions from the Lord. And be ready to move when He says move. And in that way, this may not be a time to just be quiet, but instead it just might be the time to “just get ready.”
Hope that helps fam.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hi Bo! Im 35 and I am not dating. There are prospects, but none are suitable. Meanwhile, my friends have abandoned me during a time of some major challenges I am facing. Should I just accept this as "quiet time"?
Friday, November 19, 2010
Is there such a thing as Safe People in the dating circle? I should read: Are there Safe people that single Christians should look for when beginning dating a new person? We all want to change things in our life that did not get the results that we want.
Hey sis, I think I understand your question now... But unfortunately, I don't know if I can answer it completely. I believe you are asking what "things" should a Christian keep in mind or signs they should look for when dating? I assume the source of this question is a desire to protect yourself from crazies and not get hooked up with the wrong kind of person.
If I am on track then I'm going to recommend a couple things. First, don't focus on the other person focus on yourself. You need to spend some time really uraveling your own intentions and desired. You need to know WHY you are looking for someone. And you need to know WHAT you are looking for in someone else. Then when you start dating you can minimize confusion and not waste your time.
As for staying away from crazies... the #1 tip I can give is keep your clothes on. This alone will eliminate 90% of the crazies while dating. The second thing I would recommend is to add fasting and prayer to your dating preparation. Prayer and fasting will prepare you mentally to withstand all the temptations that come with dating. And further, by fasting you actually clear your mind to hear from God about a particular person you might be dating. The Lord will reveal the crazies to you. Fasting tunes your "crazy person" radar and puts it on HIGH. ;-)
One other thing you might want to do is read my Top 10 FAKE BOAZ Clues (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&suggest¬e_id=392171734719)
hope that helps sis.
Do you think that the church is in trouble to get new members?
I saw this question and my mind went racing. Just so many issues wrapped up in this one little question… I don’t even know where to start. First let’s be clear “the church” in this context is not “THE CHURCH”. THE CHURCH is the body of Christ in the earth identifying a supernatural collection of believers that called according to his purpose. “the church” is the business of building a congregation and collecting tithes and offerings to support the business of building a congregation and collecting tithes and offerings to support the business of … (you get the picture). So in the context of your question we are talking about “the church” and not THE CHURCH because we both know that the purpose of THE CHURCH is not to “get new members.”
Alright, on to your question about membeship in “the church”… I have sooooooo many things to say on this subject because the perversion of the mission and charter of the church is rampant and runs deep. Just not enough space here to address it adequately… But I will say this, when a church turns its focus from “winning souls” to getting “new members” it is out of order. This is a perversion of the intent of the church. This need for “new members” is tied to a need for the money that a church expects to extract from these “new members. Most churches aren’t working to create brothers and sisters in Christ, they are working to create additional sources of income. Members = money. In the end membership is about money and not about winning souls. Who should care where a soul that is won to Christ will worship? Don’t be fooled that conversation is not about souls.
Secondly, to answer your question more directly, YES the church is in trouble… major trouble. Again I’m not talking about THE CHURCH, I’m talking about the church. It is most definitely in trouble… particularly “traditional” churches. Just look at the largest churches you know. Think about the churches you know with the most members/attenders. The idea of church spans a wide array of implementations and to get new members a church has to change the way it conducts its worship services. People are changing and being changed by technology. Churches that do not follow suit will become further and further disconnected with each new generation. That’s why our elders make up such a large percentage of the population in “traditional” churches.
My last comment on this issues is this, the biggest challenge to the church in coming years will not be how to “get new members” it will be how to keep its current members from leaving. The church has had a revolving door for years. As people come they are usually passing people on their way out. Historically, the survival of any church was to make sure it could get new members at a faster pace than the current members leave.
People are coming to the church by the millions everyday… but for the first time in history they are leaving just as fast as they are coming. Note the high turnover in faces and leadership within the church. Why is this? Ultimately, people are much more educated and much more capable of understanding scripture for themselves and this higher spiritual IQ creates a lower tolerance for foolishness. Bottom line is if leadership is real and committed to truly serving the community and the body of Christ members will stay. Churches need to be transparent with their finances, open to democratic leadership, and accountable to the membership. Anything less will be flushed out eventually and people will leave.
Hope that helps sis.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I see a question below about cheating and that's my question in a way. Over the last few days I've become a little downhearted when I think of the relationships I've had. Both before being saved and after. Is expecting monogamy realistic anymore?
This is a tough question… And I hesitate to answer because I know my answer won’t be popular among those who chose to operate in some degree of fantasy… But, I can hear that you are close to simply giving up on the possibility of monogamy. And fam, that’s a painful and scary thought… because honestly without the possibility of achieving that kind of relationship marriage itself is without merit.
So, honestly, I don’t know if I can answer this question for you. But I can most certainly answer it for me. And the answer for me is that monogamy IS most certainly realistic. However, the expectation of perfection is also equally unrealistic. I think the real source of the problem here is romanticism. We have romanticized marriage to the point that we think the union is a magic pill of some kind that immediately and irrevocably changes people. Unfortunately, that is not true.
We tend to think of marriage some kind of coronation ceremony or finish line when, in fact, on the wedding day the REALLY hard work has only just begun. A successful marriage is not created at an altar. Much like it takes pressure, heat, and many years to form coal into a diamond; it takes years and even decades to transform a wedding into a TRUE marriage.
It’s sort of like raising a child…
If a parent wants to have a child that is a doctor, that PhD won’t come with birth. That PhD is some 25 to 28 yrs down the road… and that child may fail quite a few classes along the way. Further, the parent may have multiple children and only one of them actually be cut out to be a doctor. So is it realistic for a parent to want a child that’s a doctor? Of course it is. But what’s unrealistic is for the parent to expect that road to be easy, without challenges and setbacks… the PhD will NOT be instantaneous.
In much the same way a great marriage is always a work in progress. And from everything I’ve learned about marriage, TRUE monogamy may also be a part of the process. When we are saved we continue to struggle and the Lord is patient with us as we learn how to fight the good fight. In many ways the fight of monogamy is no different. Anyone on any given day can fall. And falling does not make the goal of monogamy any less realistic. But what it does do is force the parties involved to be more realistic about all the challenges that are presented to a couple that wishes to remain that way.
It’s also like trying to lose 60 lbs in a year… one or two months along the way you might actually gain weight… but that doesn’t make the goal unrealistic or unreachable. Learn from your mistakes, recommit yourself to the goal, then buckle down and work harder.
My bottom line on this subject? Unfortunately, monogamy for certain couples/individuals is actually very unrealistic. Everyone is not capable and many who are capable have to learn/evolve into that realization. They are both fortunate and blessed if they have a spouse committed enough to stay with them as they mature. Don’t get me wrong fam, I’m not advocating that you stay by the side of someone who has open and blatant disregard for you, your health, your family, and your self respect. But I am saying that I believe the ZERO tolerance policy has aborted quite a few relationships that had the potential to cross over the bridge into happy/healthy lifelong monogamy. This is why the second spouse often gets the man/woman the first spouse thought they were getting married to... People can and do learn, grow, and improve... even in this area.
So for me? Monogamy as a goal for a couple committed to supporting each other and fighting off the world with everything they’ve got is not only realistic but attainable… it just may take a while to fully develop.
I'm 49 and the guy I'm dating is 36. He's a fantastic man but I still have some issues with the age difference. I keep thinking about if we stay together, I'll be 60 before he's even 50. Any advice?
If he's really a "fantastic man" then he obviously doesn't have an issue with your age... So don't turn it into one. Remember sis, we get what we focus on... If you dwell on it, it WILL become your reality. So think about this, does he make you feel insecure about your age? Or is this just something you're dealing with in your own head? If he's making you feel insecure directly or indirectly you need to speak up. A good man will correct his ways if he cares about you. But if this is all in your head and you are insecure all on your own then there's nothing he can do to "fix" that for you... And believe me, a “good man” will pick up on this dysfunction and insecurity as DISTRUST… and that can't lead to anything good. Besides if you aren’t getting married chances are great that he’ll be gone long before you have to worry about 60 y/o. But if you two are planning to get married and build a life together then when you're 109 he'll be 96... Oh the horror! Lol, Big deal...
Sis you have to keep perspective on this issue because tomorrow is not promised anyway. And the Bible tells us that we were not given a spirit of FEAR but of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-CONTROL. So walk in that. You have the power to give and receive love no matter the age difference. You also have the power to overcome your insecurity with some of that self control. Put all negative thoughts out of your vision for your future. Make up your mind to be the ‘baddest’ 60 y/o woman that ever lived! Confidence is ALWAYS sexy no matter what age.
And here's a little secret... My wife will be 50 next year, she's actually 7 years older than I am, and she's still the perfect woman for me. Why? Because she knows she is and acts accordingly. Focus on your worth and self esteem sis, NOT your age.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I sing in church choir, practice 2 nights/wk, & sing 3X on the weekends. It takes up a lot time. I love to sing its my ministry. But my oldest child running wild since I never home. I think the devil want me to quit the choir. What to do? Sing/Quit?
I REALLY wish I could sing, but I can't. And by "can't", I mean I can't even hum in tune. Singing is an incredible gift. I'm amazed when people can sing REALLY sing good. There's something that happens when somone who can really sing gets caught up in the Lord and just let's go... Wow is all I can say about that. Just wow.
It must be an wonderful feeling to be such a central part of praise and worship. It must make you feel good about yourself and make you feel like you are really doing the work of the Lord. I can easily see how singing in the choir could be more importanti than raising y... [[WAIT, STOP!!]] This is where I get off the bus.
Honestly, there's really no question here about what you should do. No matter how good singing in the choir might make you feel at this point it is a distraction. You need to drop that mic right where you stand and GO HOME!
As a Clarity Coach I find people all the time that are torn, confused, and in pain because their priorities are out of order. Just because something "feels" good doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
I often tell the people I mentor that there are three kinds of activities in your life:
#1 Things that ANYONE can do.
#2 Things that SOME people can do.
#3 Things that ONLY YOU can do.
Then I ask them, "For which one do you think God is going to hold you accountable?"
Fam, if you drop that microphone someone will fight off 15 other GREAT singers to get to it first and catch it before it even hits the ground... But if you ask the entire church congregation if any one of them will go home and raise your child so you can stay and sing? ....................................................................*crickets* ...................... is the only sound you'll hear.
Go home fam. Your family is your first ministry and should also be your first priority. No question.
Hope that helps.
I sing in church choir, practice 2 nights/wk, & sing 3X on the weekends. It takes up a lot time. I love to sing its my ministry. But my oldest child running wild since I never home. I think the devil want me to quit the choir. What to do? Sing/Quit?
I REALLY wish I could sing, but I can't. And by "can't", I mean I can't even hum in tune. Singing is an incredible gift. I'm amazed when people can sing REALLY sing good. There's something that happens when somone who can really sing gets caught up in the Lord and just let's go... Wow is all I can say about that. Just wow.
It must be an wonderful feeling to be such a central part of praise and worship. It must make you feel good about yourself and make you feel like you are really doing the work of the Lord. I can easily see how singing in the choir could be more importanti than raising y... [[WAIT, STOP!!]] This is where I get off the bus.
Honestly, there's really no question here about what you should do. No matter how good singing in the choir might make you feel at this point it is a distraction. You need to drop that mic right where you stand and GO HOME!
As a Clarity Coach I find people all the time that are torn, confused, and in pain because their priorities are out of order. Just because something "feels" good doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
I often tell the people I mentor that there are three kinds of activities in your life:
#1 Things that ANYONE can do.
#2 Things that SOME people can do.
#3 Things that ONLY YOU can do.
Then I ask them, "For which one do you think God is going to hold you accountable?"
Fam, if you drop that microphone someone will fight off 15 other GREAT singers to get to it first and catch it before it even hits the ground... But if you ask the entire church congregation if any one of them will go home and raise your child so you can stay and sing? ....................................................................*crickets* ...................... is the only sound you'll hear.
Go home fam. Your family is your first ministry and should also be your first priority. No question.
Hope that helps.
