Wouldn’t marriages would be so much stronger if we wait for the mate that God has for us?

I want to make sure we don't over romanticize Christian marriage. I believe far too many women and men have been fooled into believing there is only one person in all of the world who God has created specifically for them... I just don't believe that.

As much as I love my wife and I am convinced she is perfect for me, I am certain that was not the case before or early on in our marriage. God actually used our marriage to perfect us for each other. It's a very involved process and a very tough process at that. So tough in fact, most people literally run away from it as soon as it starts to hurt a little, just like little kids run from the dentist. But as Christian husbands and wives we simply must understand God uses each spouse to chip away at and sand down the rough edges on the other. God uses each spouse to polish the other into a perfectly fitting piece for the other. This perfection happens AFTER the wedding... not before.

I've said this quite a few times in the last 3 or 4 months, no two people are perfect for each other prior to marriage. My wife and I were not either. 20 years ago I actually chose my wife and she chose me. In fact, I am actually my wife’s second husband. And the truth is she chose us both. And it would be easy to just think she must have chosen better the second time, but that would only be partially true. The truth is she was much more mature when I met her and much more ready and willing to do things God's way. Had I married the same woman her first husband was married to we would have very likely gotten divorced too.

So yes, choosing the right “kind” of person is important just as important as being the right kind of person. But in the end, I don’t believe there is just ONE right person that God is hiding from you until just the right moment. That’s some Hollywood stuff. What God wants is for two people to choose each other and then the two of them to choose Him. That’s what we did sis… and our daily decisions to let His Word decide our differences and direct our paths is what has been actively perfecting us for each other ever since.

I think the real tragic irony here is that so many people are sitting around waiting on God to bring them the perfect person and at the same time God is waiting on them to trust Him enough to perfect them together.

Hope that helps fam.

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Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.

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Ask me anything... Relationships, Faith, Marriage, Life, etc...

I greatly admire you. While In my opinion, no two thinkers will agree on everything. I feel drawn to almost the same activities you now do. Counseling, writing, speaking, entrepreneurship. When did you start? How did you get started?

It’s always such a blessing to know that there are people who appreciate your efforts. So I consider your kind words of support a gift to me. Thank you.

To be clear, I am a professional Life Coach, but I have never been a "Counselor". Counseling is a very noble and necessary profession that should be left to the certified professionals. I have no formal training that qualifies me as a counselor and I am certain to make sure that the people I “coach” know the difference in no uncertain terms.

Truthfully, your question about “how I [got] started?” is actually quite difficult to answer. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve ever NOT done what I do. I can recall household unrest from my earliest childhood memories and I can also recall trying to find the words during those episodes to stop my Mama from crying, cheer up, and stay positive. In that way, I've been an encourager, problem solver, motivator, and coach for as long as I can remember. The seeds were planted then and there, so I recognize and appreciate them for exactly what they were. Who I am now is a self fulfilling revelation in many ways and it is something with which I have not always been comfortable.

My built in knack to coach, console, guide, and teach became more evident throughout my youth and into my adult life. I’ve always either been drafted or drawn into roles that required me to speak on behalf of others and/or coach/mentor/train them in various capacities.

The writing and speaking you mentioned are really just a function of my problem solving skills and not a part of some grand plan. :)) Different people learn and process information in different ways. So I’ve simply tried to find new ways to communicate what I feel I’ve been given to share. Books, CDs, speaking, blogs, facebook, twitter, etc… I don’t feel in any way defined or confined by any of those different avenues because the message is unchanged. It is the medium which is altered to reach different audiences so I don't really consider myself to be an "Author" so much as a person that writes. The same can be said for "Speaker"; I'm just a person who speaks. The real distinctions in my mind are vocation and intention. Neither of which I can or desire to associate with writing and speaking.

I said all that to say I really don’t know of any particular starting point. I just do what I feel most passionate about doing… helping, educating, liberating, and sharing with people. That’s who I am. And I would also venture so far as to say that is who I’ve always been, because that is who I was created to be. No real start point to identify.

So if you have a passion fam pursue it. Be patient and make sure WHAT you do never dictates or dominates WHO you are. And if you are humble enough to add faith, stewardship, and accountability to what you do, ALL the rest of that stuff you asked about “Counseling, writing, speaking, entrepreneurship” will take care of itself.

I hope that answers your question fam. Thanks for asking... and thanks again for the encouragement.

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I am interested in someone. He is single and unattached, brilliant and easy to talk to. I want more, to really have a chance to get to know him, to be open to possibilities. How do I express interest without pouncing or seeming aggressive?

Caron! Good to hear from you sis. Thanks for trusting me with your question.

The first that comes to mind is that if you don't want to be viewed as "pouncing or seeming aggressive” then don’t be.  You said in your question that he’s “easy to talk to” which implies that you have spoken to him on more than one occasion. I would say explore way to expand the conversation around whatever venue, forum, or activity that has already caused you two to cross paths. Whatever you have in common already is the best way to take it up a notch without seeming too aggressive.

Ask questions, ask for assistance, ask for advice, suggest coffee or lunch to discuss something he may be able to assist with, collaborate on, or give advice about… it’s OK for a woman to make such suggestions when there is a legitimate association already established, even if only in passing. Where some women get in trouble is “dictating” and “demanding” things go a certain way at a particular time. Most men think casual “suggestions” show confidence and availability…

Just be sure of two things. #1, you really do have something to talk about. Information, advice, collaboration, etc… You need something to carry the first couple of conversations. #2, you have no expectations of his availability or desire to pursue the association beyond the questions/advice for which you’ve asked. Any unfounded “expectations” are a definite turn off that puts too much pressure on the man to reciprocate your intentions. Too early for that.

If there’s a real connection it will become evident in your conversations. Let things take their course naturally. If there’s something there you will both get a sense of that and more reasons to meet/talk/discuss/and get to know each other will ensue.

Hope that helps sis.

Ask me anything... Relationships, Faith, Marriage, Life, etc...

I love to listen, because of that people like to ask me advice too. But I don't know how to handle someone who seeks my advice in private then is disrespectful to me in public. I wanna cut them off, but they came for a reason, right? What have I missed?

Sure everything does happen for a reason, I believe that. I just don’t believe that all those reasons are good ones. Some folks are in your life just to drain you and distract you from what you should be doing. Let people disqualify themselves…don’t fight to give space in your life to people who don’t respect or appreciate it. Maybe what they came to you to learn was some manners and common courtesy, lol.

Seriously, don’t let your kindness, or more specifically your desire to be viewed as kind, force you into accepting less than you know you deserve. People who allow themselves to be disrespected in the name of kindness and compassion are usually masking low self esteem issues and/or an inordinate need to “feel” needed.

The Bible teaches us not to cast our pearls amongst the swine lest they be trampled underfoot… Doesn’t sound like you have a tough decision at all from my vantage point. Hope that helps fam.

Thanks for asking the question.
Bo

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To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================

Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.

http://about.me/BoSpeaks

Ask me anything... Relationships, Faith, Marriage, Life, etc...

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What advice do you have for women who have already experienced pre-marital sex, especially those women who have been divorced or widowed who already been exposed to "carnal knowledge?"

Wow… That’s a VERY tough question. It’s tough because I try very hard to give people answers that are both Biblical and practical. And I think this may be the first question where I don’t see a combination is workable.

Let’s start by getting the obvious stuff out of the way. Since you used a couple of “church”phrases in your question I am assuming you are, at the very least, a person of faith. And I will also assume that you are concerned with how this situation is affecting your faith, relationship with God, and very possibly your salvation.

So with those assumptions we can establish that you desire to live your life according to the Biblical constructs that you have learned over the years. This means that you now know and/or believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. And you are correct, for Biblically based Christians it is indeed a sin. So I would also assume you are asking me this question because you are experiencing some shame and guilt associated with actions you believe in your heart to be against God’s will for you.

If all of that is correct, then there are really only two directions to go. #1, continue doing what you are doing/want to do and continue to deal with ever increasing guilt and shame until you learn how to block it out or no longer feel/acknowledge it. But because you are asking for advice I believe it’s safe to say that is not what you want. Good… This path leads to separation from God and a hardened heart neither of which I believe you want.

So that brings us to direction #2, “grow” away from the things that make you feel guilty and shameful. I’m sure you already know this and have possibly tried and failed to walk away from “carnal knowledge” because the lure of sex is very strong… particularly when sex is used as a coping mechanism to deal with other issues. And this is where the rubber meets the road. Sis, most of the time when we can’t control our sexual desires it is because we either use or wrongly associate sex with something else like love, acceptance, companionship, or sheer physical/emotional/psychological enhancers (like a drug).

Often people, both men and women, who experience very serious difficulties sticking to their own resolve in this area are dealing with some of the ‘not so obvious’ issues I mentioned. There is a level of sexual desire that is natural and normal, then there is a level that causes us to do things we REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do just so we can have sex… that’s not natural and that’s a problem.


If you are just dealing with normal natural desires I would recommend a lot of prayer, fasting, Bible study, patience, and some new hobbies. You need to distract yourself while you are getting stronger in your knowledge and convictions. God can deliver you but there is no guarantee it will be immediate. And out of love for you it probably won’t be. God created sex so He knows how pleasurable it is for us. And how difficult it is to deal with once you have been married before… So in addition to growing in spiritual and Biblical strength/knowledge I would also recommend you acquire some sexual toys that do the trick for you.

But sis please hear me… This is a LAST resort and a very slippery slope, but it is one that is open to you. (I know I’ll catch grief for saying that from the Puritan crowd, but whatever, I care more about helping you than what people might think of me.) I’m sure they’ll bring up the lust issue, abstinence, purity etc.. And they have valid points, you should pray and strive for those things which are possible, but also very challenging and often riddled with falls and restarts. In the meantime, you are obviously looking for the least guilty and shameful way to deal with your sexual desires. I think this may be as close as we can get to dealing with this situation before you get married again. And I personally would rather someone not get married just for sex.


But to be clear, sis, if the level of desire you’re dealing with has caused or if you believe it will cause you to do some things that are out of character, unhealthy, unsafe, and/or humiliating then I believe a Licensed Professional Counselor (which I am not) may be of great help to you. Bottom line: you may need someone to help you determine if this is REALLY just about sex or if it is about something much deeper (i.e. Lonliness, emotional and/or mental dependencies, misplaced feelings of love and companionship, etc…).


If it’s just sex, although very difficult, it’s pretty straight forward. You need to grow stronger in your knowledge and convictions about sex outside of marriage to fight the “carnal knowledge” you mentioned. And I don’t care what folks tell you sis… it’s NOT just you. Read Romans Chapter 7 and you’ll see that you are definitely not alone in your struggle.


Sis I know I don’t have a clear cut answer for you, but I knew this would be difficult. All I know is that the Lord promises us that He will put no more on us than we can bear. Yours is a heavy load I do not ever wish to carry, so I dare not judge you. I just pray that you continue to seek the Lord’s Will in this and other areas of your life. My wife and I will say a prayer specifically for you sis… I hope something here was of some help to you.

Ask me anything... Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc...

I wonder, did abraham commit adultery when sarah asked him to sleep with the hand maid. whats your perspective.

Yes… by the Biblical definition of “adultery” he did commit adultery.

However, at the time Abraham lived God had yet to establish any ground rules or models for marriage outside the Garden of Eden… Chronologically , the story of Abraham (Abram), Sarah (Saria), and Hagar occurs in the Book of Genesis. So this story is well before Moses and the 10 commandments so we know that the Law of Moses had not yet been established. But even so, once it was established it provided for men to have as many wives AND concubines as he could afford to marry. The more wives and concubines a man had the wealthier he was perceived to be...

And moreover the laws and customs of their culture made it lawful for a wife to offer her handmaiden to her husband for the explicit purposes of bearing children for the wife. Seems odd in our culture now… but for the Israelites a maidservant of a wife was seen as both property AND part of the wife…

So not only was Abraham not subject to the Law, even once it was written his actions would have still been legal, as was the case under the Law of Moses... However, let’s be clear, God never actually condoned the practice of having multiple wives in scripture. What we see in scripture is the evolution of the literal Law of Moses from the original 10 Commandments. As Moses continued to govern the people of Israel, well after Abrahams death, new issues always came up. One of those issues being multiple wives and concubines. I can hear them now… “Abraham did it!”

Moses in an attempt to maintain order wrote laws that permitted both multiple wives and divorce, neither of which were God’s intent for man and marriage. We know this because later when Jesus was confronted with the question of divorce he answered, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning…” This clearly indicates that the Law of Moses, and thereby the example of Abraham, did not line up directly with the will of God on all points particularly concerning marriage and divorce.

There were many things about the Law of Moses and the actions of the patriarchs that God determined was not good for mankind and therefore shifted us from an existence under the Law, where there might be allowances for our selfish desires and loop holes for our own fancy, to a life governed by Grace. And as a part of this transition several things legal under the Law were exposed as less than God’s desire and design for mankind. The Law was fulfilled and updated in the Birth, Life, and Death of Jesus Christ. Just think of “Grace” as the Law of Moses 2.0. The New Covenant is about God’s intent for mankind and not a fallible law to manage our every action…

So to be precise WHAT Abraham did was adultery… But Abraham was not guilty of adultery because the sinfulness of that act had yet to be defined as such. Hope that helps... that's my perspective.

Ask me anything... Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc...