I have been dating someone for 9 months. He talks marriage, but no ring and no proposal, but also talks about moving in w/me but yet won't disclose his finances. I don't like being in this situation, and am starting to push him away...

I would assume your question is “what do I advise you to do in this situation?” At this point, he obviously does not share your degree of respect for the union. And if he doesn’t respect the union now… what makes you think for a moment that he’ll respect it later. This is real life. He’s playing games; and if he’s not playing games on purpose? Then he’s not taking you seriously admitting to you that he’s currently too immature to fully appreciate the serious nature and risk of marriage.

Hold up… all you want are financial records? What about medical history and a full background check? This is no time to be playing games. A person with nothing to hide… has nothing to hide. But by the same token we all have to understand that this “information” must not be used to “disqualify” someone we are truly in love with. This information should be used to establish a healthy level of full disclosure for two people that are prepared to commit to loving each other for better or for worse.

Marriage is not the clinical business transaction it has become to most people; it is something much more profound. And in that way everything you need to know about a spouse is not learned from their history or current status for that matter. For example, my finances were in complete disarray when I met my wife… but so were hers. We both disclosed this information before we were married and had actually worked out a plan to begin addressing the problems. Marriage was the answer for us, because what neither of us could do alone we figured out how to do as a team.

When we are so short sighted as to use this kind of information to exclusively decide matters of the heart we can potentially negate God’s overall plan and design. People often forget or simply ignore that marriage is actually a tool that God uses to mature and grow each person in ways that they could have never grown on their own as singles. Some of us are so focused on the finished product that we fail to recognize the tremendous value of a diamond in the rough. I mean, what if a man’s finances are jacked up because he has yet to find his true help meet as ordained by the Lord. When God puts two together one is usually strong where the other is weak and vice versa. The two of them are stronger together than either of them could ever be alone.

So what am I advising you to do? Stop pushing. Start talking because real serious adult communications are in order. Figure out what you need and expect then figure out how to clearly communicate the same to him in no uncertain terms. Establish what your prerequisites are and why they are critical to the success of the union. A man that loves you will respect your wishes even if he doesn’t completely understand your perspective. And oh yeah… lock your “extra key” in a safe for the time being.

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