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What advice do you have for women who have already experienced pre-marital sex, especially those women who have been divorced or widowed who already been exposed to "carnal knowledge?"

Wow… That’s a VERY tough question. It’s tough because I try very hard to give people answers that are both Biblical and practical. And I think this may be the first question where I don’t see a combination is workable.

Let’s start by getting the obvious stuff out of the way. Since you used a couple of “church”phrases in your question I am assuming you are, at the very least, a person of faith. And I will also assume that you are concerned with how this situation is affecting your faith, relationship with God, and very possibly your salvation.

So with those assumptions we can establish that you desire to live your life according to the Biblical constructs that you have learned over the years. This means that you now know and/or believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. And you are correct, for Biblically based Christians it is indeed a sin. So I would also assume you are asking me this question because you are experiencing some shame and guilt associated with actions you believe in your heart to be against God’s will for you.

If all of that is correct, then there are really only two directions to go. #1, continue doing what you are doing/want to do and continue to deal with ever increasing guilt and shame until you learn how to block it out or no longer feel/acknowledge it. But because you are asking for advice I believe it’s safe to say that is not what you want. Good… This path leads to separation from God and a hardened heart neither of which I believe you want.

So that brings us to direction #2, “grow” away from the things that make you feel guilty and shameful. I’m sure you already know this and have possibly tried and failed to walk away from “carnal knowledge” because the lure of sex is very strong… particularly when sex is used as a coping mechanism to deal with other issues. And this is where the rubber meets the road. Sis, most of the time when we can’t control our sexual desires it is because we either use or wrongly associate sex with something else like love, acceptance, companionship, or sheer physical/emotional/psychological enhancers (like a drug).

Often people, both men and women, who experience very serious difficulties sticking to their own resolve in this area are dealing with some of the ‘not so obvious’ issues I mentioned. There is a level of sexual desire that is natural and normal, then there is a level that causes us to do things we REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do just so we can have sex… that’s not natural and that’s a problem.


If you are just dealing with normal natural desires I would recommend a lot of prayer, fasting, Bible study, patience, and some new hobbies. You need to distract yourself while you are getting stronger in your knowledge and convictions. God can deliver you but there is no guarantee it will be immediate. And out of love for you it probably won’t be. God created sex so He knows how pleasurable it is for us. And how difficult it is to deal with once you have been married before… So in addition to growing in spiritual and Biblical strength/knowledge I would also recommend you acquire some sexual toys that do the trick for you.

But sis please hear me… This is a LAST resort and a very slippery slope, but it is one that is open to you. (I know I’ll catch grief for saying that from the Puritan crowd, but whatever, I care more about helping you than what people might think of me.) I’m sure they’ll bring up the lust issue, abstinence, purity etc.. And they have valid points, you should pray and strive for those things which are possible, but also very challenging and often riddled with falls and restarts. In the meantime, you are obviously looking for the least guilty and shameful way to deal with your sexual desires. I think this may be as close as we can get to dealing with this situation before you get married again. And I personally would rather someone not get married just for sex.


But to be clear, sis, if the level of desire you’re dealing with has caused or if you believe it will cause you to do some things that are out of character, unhealthy, unsafe, and/or humiliating then I believe a Licensed Professional Counselor (which I am not) may be of great help to you. Bottom line: you may need someone to help you determine if this is REALLY just about sex or if it is about something much deeper (i.e. Lonliness, emotional and/or mental dependencies, misplaced feelings of love and companionship, etc…).


If it’s just sex, although very difficult, it’s pretty straight forward. You need to grow stronger in your knowledge and convictions about sex outside of marriage to fight the “carnal knowledge” you mentioned. And I don’t care what folks tell you sis… it’s NOT just you. Read Romans Chapter 7 and you’ll see that you are definitely not alone in your struggle.


Sis I know I don’t have a clear cut answer for you, but I knew this would be difficult. All I know is that the Lord promises us that He will put no more on us than we can bear. Yours is a heavy load I do not ever wish to carry, so I dare not judge you. I just pray that you continue to seek the Lord’s Will in this and other areas of your life. My wife and I will say a prayer specifically for you sis… I hope something here was of some help to you.

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I wonder, did abraham commit adultery when sarah asked him to sleep with the hand maid. whats your perspective.

Yes… by the Biblical definition of “adultery” he did commit adultery.

However, at the time Abraham lived God had yet to establish any ground rules or models for marriage outside the Garden of Eden… Chronologically , the story of Abraham (Abram), Sarah (Saria), and Hagar occurs in the Book of Genesis. So this story is well before Moses and the 10 commandments so we know that the Law of Moses had not yet been established. But even so, once it was established it provided for men to have as many wives AND concubines as he could afford to marry. The more wives and concubines a man had the wealthier he was perceived to be...

And moreover the laws and customs of their culture made it lawful for a wife to offer her handmaiden to her husband for the explicit purposes of bearing children for the wife. Seems odd in our culture now… but for the Israelites a maidservant of a wife was seen as both property AND part of the wife…

So not only was Abraham not subject to the Law, even once it was written his actions would have still been legal, as was the case under the Law of Moses... However, let’s be clear, God never actually condoned the practice of having multiple wives in scripture. What we see in scripture is the evolution of the literal Law of Moses from the original 10 Commandments. As Moses continued to govern the people of Israel, well after Abrahams death, new issues always came up. One of those issues being multiple wives and concubines. I can hear them now… “Abraham did it!”

Moses in an attempt to maintain order wrote laws that permitted both multiple wives and divorce, neither of which were God’s intent for man and marriage. We know this because later when Jesus was confronted with the question of divorce he answered, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning…” This clearly indicates that the Law of Moses, and thereby the example of Abraham, did not line up directly with the will of God on all points particularly concerning marriage and divorce.

There were many things about the Law of Moses and the actions of the patriarchs that God determined was not good for mankind and therefore shifted us from an existence under the Law, where there might be allowances for our selfish desires and loop holes for our own fancy, to a life governed by Grace. And as a part of this transition several things legal under the Law were exposed as less than God’s desire and design for mankind. The Law was fulfilled and updated in the Birth, Life, and Death of Jesus Christ. Just think of “Grace” as the Law of Moses 2.0. The New Covenant is about God’s intent for mankind and not a fallible law to manage our every action…

So to be precise WHAT Abraham did was adultery… But Abraham was not guilty of adultery because the sinfulness of that act had yet to be defined as such. Hope that helps... that's my perspective.

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What do you think of "Sex outside the sanctity of marriage"?

OK… So, this is a tough question because there are some very complex issues here. First, the issue is clearly divided between those that take the Bible literally, those who see scripture as just a loose reference, and those who recklessly bend, exclude, and/or modify scripture to suit their own purposes.

If we take the Bible at face value it is clear… Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sin is separation from God, which simply means when we are willfully doing something against God’s instructions for us we become burdened with guilt and shame. These feelings often force us to stop praying and maybe even stop attending Bible study or going to church… Isolation. Sex is so powerful it can draw us away from our relationship with God leaving us exposed to who knows what. How can we pray? How can we have confidence in God’s promises when we have willfully taken ourselves outside of God’s grace spiritually and physically? Most times we don’t and life just gets increasingly out of control and more difficult to handle.

The Bible also teaches us that fornication (sex outside of marriage any other manner of sexual impurity) disqualifies us from the Kingdom of God. The whole specter of sin and disqualification from the Kingdom of God brings up the conversation about perseverance of the saints or “once saved always saved”. So if we do have sex outside of marriage can we never again gain right standing with God? That is a whole other and different debate that has raged for centuries… I am not qualified to debate this issue so I won’t even attempt to delve into that here. But I will say this… If there was actually no way back to the graces of God, I would still be lost.

So instead of addressing this from a purely religious standpoint I am going to take your question at face value. You asked me “What do [I] think about sex outside the sanctity of marriage?” Well… I’d be a hypocrite if I told you that I waited until I was married… I did not. And my view on sex outside of marriage has change significantly over the years now that I have the benefit of study, wisdom, and the perspective that comes from coaching so many single and married people. And now at 43 y/o, having been married for almost 20 years I believe sex outside of marriage simply IS NOT God’s best for us.

On a very practical level, I believe that the Biblical warnings and admonitions about fornication are not so much about sex as they are about us consenting to a life that is outside of God’s will… and by doing so we open ourselves up to all types of physical, emotional, and psychological issues that plague many of us for the rest of our lives. I mentor and coach many ex husbands and wives whose marriages fell apart because they could not get over or forget the sexual lives and partners they had before they were married. In that way, our sexual life outside of marriage makes the success of our marriage, if that is what we so desire, exponentially more difficult.

So believe me when I say, I personally and fully understand both the draw… and the risk. And while I was single I took that risk… some 20 years later I can clearly see how those decisions and relationships complicated my life, openly challenged my marriage, and severely challenged my sensibility and responsibility as a husband. My life would have been a whole lot easier had I been able to walk and live in a way that was in line with God’s Word. I’ve paid the price in many areas of my life losing both ground and traction trying to deal with the emotional, financial, and spiritual consequences of how I chose to live my life. Hope that helps fam.

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To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
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Steven "Bo" Beaudoin Jr. is a Certified Relationship/Life Coach, Author, Speaker, Mentor, and Motivator. a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus. His passion is educating and empowering anyone struggling with Christian Life and Relationships. http://www.facebook.com/BoSpeaks
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2M Communications © 2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr.

Ask me anything... Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc...

forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?

I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?

To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.

Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is shame?

Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based solely on what we can do, see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.

So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.

The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.

People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.

This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.

Ask me anything... Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc...

forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?

I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?

To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.

Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is shame?

Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based solely on what we can do, see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.

So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.

The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.

People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.

This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.

Ask me anything... Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc...

forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?

I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?

To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.

Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is guilt?

Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based on what we can do see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.

So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.

The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.

People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.

This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.

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Why is it that it seems that a life following God seems to be so unstructured or well planned (in reference to the post you made to the ladies yesterday)? Is there something I'm missing or am I deviating from God when I create plans that fall through?

I hear a couple of different questions in your post… I’ll try to address each issue, but there’s something about the post itself that I’d like to point out first. My original status read, “Ladies: If you want a man that loves #GOD you need to know a #LIFE of #FAITH makes for a life that isn’t always structured or well planned.”

Please note the use of the phrase “isn’t always”… That means that sometimes, maybe even most times a life following God is “structured or well planned.” But there’s no guarantee. That’s the true focus of this post. Sometimes God requires our security of us in order to follow Him. Sometimes God gives us incomplete directions just to test/exercise our faith. Everything does not ALWAYS make sense and it is very likely if you’ve followed God for a long time you’ve been confronted with decisions and matters of faith that make no sense at all to anyone else paying attention. Sometimes we are asked to put our stability, security, and control on the altar…

As for your specific question, “Am I deviating from God when I create plans that fall through?” there’s no way for me or anyone else to know why any your plans fell through. Being disobedient to God’s will, commands, or instructions are definitely a common reason; but certainly not the only reason. Sometimes we just aren’t very good at planning or executing the plan. Sometime we really need the help of others and are just too afraid, stubborn, self-centered, prideful, bashful, arrogant, or ignorant to actually ask for the help we need. It could be the wrong timing, lack of resources, or limited opportunities that undermine our plans… but that’s a whole different subject altogether.

The purpose of my status was to speak to women who pray every day that God send them a man or make their husband/significant other man after God’s own heart. That’s a two edged sword that many women are not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to handle. Following a true man of God automatically comes with some degree of uncertainty. When a man truly follows God he has to be ready to lay down his own plans and be obedient to what he feels the Lord is leading, asking, and/or requiring him to do… But his commitment to his faith also requires that he take care of his family first… This makes being obedient even tougher… These decisions are not easy when a man is single, so it’s many times more difficult when married.

So if there are times when a man of God has to lay down his plans and give up his security and stability to be obedient… Then there are times when the woman who’s married to him will have to give up her security and stability as well. A life of following God neither promises nor guarantees financial security or stability… only liberty, love, spiritual security, and victory. Hope that helps answer your question sis.

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