To answer your question about the “having no room” part of my post, we must first understand and accept that the term “room” implies physical, emotional, psychological, relational, and spiritual accessibility. This is not just a conversation about how “busy” a woman may or may not be.
In a nutshell, a mature Christian man is listening and watching to see if a woman has room in her life, her mind, and her heart for the “role” of a mature Christian man. A mature, Bible believing, Christ centered man has a Biblically centered vision for his life, wife, and family. When he gets to know a woman he is listening AND watching to see what her vision for her life, husband, and family might be.
Basically, the way a woman thinks and what she believes carves out a space in her mind and heart for what she is willing to give up, share, and receive from a man. A mature Christian man expects a very large space in her life. Since a mature (spiritually) Christian man is prepared to commit his life, his finances, and all of his dreams to his wife and family.. he expects some very big things that are in line with his commitment to his future wife and family. He will expect submission. He expects to come first before her friends and family. He expects that she will indeed be open to “follow” him. He will expect that she is prepared and willing to leave her single life behind so that they might build a life together. A mature Christian man expects all of this because he is willing to do the same.
When a woman is not willing or prepared to do any of these things then the space available in her life, the “room”, gets smaller. For each of the things she is unwilling to change, discuss, consider, or embrace the room in her life shrinks… Such that at some point she ends up with this very small space that she hopes to fit a very large man into… She just doesn’t realize she doesn’t have room for him. All she really has room for is some man that has expectations that are small enough to fit into the space she has available. A man that only wants sex will put up with anything and squeeze into any box no matter how small. A man who is prepared to offer nothing expects nothing, so he doesn’t care how little “room” there is available in a woman’s life.
See sis, this is not about how busy a woman might be. Much bigger issues at play here. Thank you so much for having the courage and heart to ask for more clarity. I know there are many others who didn’t really understand so I appreciate you for pushing for more. Hope this helped better explain my status.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
You said, "Ladies:: Want to know why ALL the men you attract are spiritually immature boys? It's because there's just not enough room in your life for a full grown Christian man." What doyou mean by "a woman not having enough 'room' in her life"?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
As a married woman (10 yrs), how do I conquer this spirit of lust. As of lately, if an attractive man shows me a tad bit of attention, seems like it turns into a sexual attraction. I am struggling with having a sexual desire for my hubby of 10yrs.
Unfortunately sis you are not alone… a great many husbands and wives feel exactly the same way that you do. And when people do not learn how to recognize what they are dealing with and deal with it openly the marriage is doomed to fail either by omission or commission. Let me explain.
First, there is good news. What you are feeling is actually quite normal. Why? Because marriage, managing a household, and potentially raising a family is all very hard work. Further, far too many people are ill equipped to communicate in a healthy, loving, and helpful way. So over time the weight of life as a married couple, bills, money problems, learning to cohabitate, personality quirks, differences of opinions, and not to mention the specter of having and raising children beats us down. All of this combines to rob the married couples of the freedom, spontaneity, and connections they once shared when they were dating and/or newlyweds. So what do you do?
First, start by figuring out what needs are being fulfilled by this outside attention? Does it make you feel pretty? Sexy? Desirable? Figure out exactly what you are feeling because this is the best clue you have to what you are afraid to ask for or have come to no longer expect in your marriage. It is all too easy to get distracted by the symptoms and miss the source of our problem entirely. Focus on what you feel when you get that “tad bit of attention”.
Second, grow up. Yes, I said grow up. We all need to grow up, so I don’t mean it in an insulting way. In fact, it is much more encouragement than it is indictment. For most of us the true source of our wandering eye is not “lust” but instead a deep dissatisfaction at home. We feel ignored at home or we feel unattractive or worse yet we feel invisible. And that is much our fault as it is our spouse’s fault. We don’t know how to communicate in a loving way. We don’t know how to express our deepest needs and wants without embarrassing our selves or accusing our spouse of being inadequate. We simply must learn to communicate like mature loving adults.
I know people grow apart. I also know that many of us may have actually married the wrong person for the wrong reasons… But even so, if you were EVER actually in love with your “hubby” there is always hope. And at the very least you owe it to yourself to learn to say what you really feel in a loving, caring, and constructive way... This is the most difficult thing many married people will ever have to do… But you owe it to yourself and any chance you have at EVER having a healthy loving relationship to have the tough conversations.
I know this is potentially a very long conversations and it often takes months in direct coaching, counseling, or mentoring to address deep seeded issues, but feel free to post follow up questions for more ideas or clarifications. A book I would strongly recommend is “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson et al. Hope that helps sis.
formspring.me
Monday, July 18, 2011
As a man how do we block out temptation? I'm a young man and I want to do right by my girl but temptation is everywhere I look. How do you deal with it? What are some suggestions for blocking it out?
Well, you know there isn't some quick answer I can throw on you. I'm going to have to take some time to consider this... But I will say what I know for sure. There is NO "blocking it out", that's not a good strategy. There will ALWAYS be temptation. Jesus was tempted and it is widely believed in theological circles that the Apostle Paul too was tempted regularly.
“Temptation” is not the enemy. Weak convictions and spiritual ignorance are the real enemy. We all are tempted. And as long as you’re alive you will be tempted on some level. It’s a fact of life. Blocking it out is like burying your head in the sand, just not very effective. The truth is that temptation is never going to get weaker or go away, we simply have to face it and get stronger. This is your opportunity to grow up. But you can’t do it alone…
For most men I know this is a lifelong struggle... a battle. And believe it or not our strongest defense and ally in this fight is a Sexy, Supportive, God fearing, Bible believing wife. I firmly believe that a man simply cannot stand up to temptation alone. He needs a wife that can stand with him, keep him strong, keep him focused, and help him keep his eyes, hands, feet, and the rest of his body parts at home where they belong. It’s not entirely his wife’s responsibility, but make no mistake about it fidelity is a team sport. You both will play critical roles in keeping your minds and bodies where they are supposed to be. I feel extremely sorry for any man that does not have this as a firm foundation. But even so, that's just the physical side of the battle...
There's also the mental and spiritual side of the battle. A man must first in his heart decide who he is and who he wants to be. For real. Don’t lie to yourself. Who are you? There's no room for faking the funk. If a man wants to run the street there's nothing in the world that’s going to stop him. For a man like that, he's not fighting temptation he's looking for opportunities. I know... I used to be that dude.
When you make up your mind about who you are and what you will and will not do then you must get ready for battle... battle on every front - mental, physical, spiritual, all of it. A wife who understands your struggle and is prepared and determined to fight with you (not against you) is your best foundation, but a real understanding of scripture and a growing faith in God is going to prove to be your best weapon.
To win this war you'll need to always be preparing for battle. This war is waged on daily basis. And until you are mature enough in your determination to do the will of God for you and your family there are just some things you can't listen to. Some places you can't go. Some things you can't do. And Some things you can't watch because they are like letting the enemy into your camp while you are still weak. And once you gain a better understanding there's a lot of that stuff you will cut out forever. Why play with fire? Unless you really want to or are willing to get burned.
Sir, this is only the start of this discussion... I could go on for pages and pages, books even. (hint, hint, lol) But this is the fundamental DNA of my longer winded response to your question. I hope it helps sir.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT DEALING WITH A 17 YOUNG LADY!!! TRYING TO STAY CLOSE AS A FATHER BUT IT SEEMS LIKE SHE BUCKS AT EVERY TURN!!! SOMETHING SAYS STOP TRYING BUT THAT WOULD BE THE EASY WAY OUT!!! ANY SUGGESTIONS!!!
First, let me apologize for the delayed response. For some reason the site did not notify me of your pending question. Second, let me commend you for staying in the fight. And yes it is a “fight”, but it’s not a fight with your daughter. Instead it is a fight against all the elements and influences that would drive a wedge between you and your daughter. The enemy wants to destroy your relationship your daughter so she will be easier to manipulate and derail later in life as an adult. Stand strong... even if it means holding your peace.
17 y/o is a tough age for any parent to navigate with a child, but I think the father/daughter relationship takes the cake hands down. I don’t think there is a more difficult time in that relationship than when a man’s daughter begins to turn into a young woman. We know they are sheep among wolves. We want to protect them and they believe our protection is imprisonment... And sometimes it is. They don't seem to understand us and we certainly don't understand them. It's a tough situation indeed… But there is hope sir, stay the course.
This is what we know for sure. #1, you are her father and nothing is going to change that. #2, she is your daughter and nothing is going to change that. #3, she won’t be 17 forever, she will grow up. And #4, whether she knows/likes it or not she will need her daddy. Now armed with that information any many worth his weight in plugged nickels will figure out how to weather this storm… Because it is just a storm and this too will pass. You are doing the right thing by reaching out and asking for insight and I think I can help.
Whether it’s 16, 17, 18, 20, or 22 y/o at some point every parent has to give their children room to transition into responsible adults. And as painful and unnerving as that may be sometimes that means giving them enough room to bump their heads a few times. At some point we have to take the training wheels off and trust that what we’ve taught them and instilled in them over the years is going to guide them. Now this is not to say that we STOP parenting, it just means that as our children mature we have to figure out new ways of parenting. Age/Maturity appropriate parenting is the key.
Typically, this means WE must grow from telling them exactly “WHAT, WHEN, and HOW” to live to helping guide them as they start making decisions about the best way to live based on our faith and beliefs. This is the point in their lives where they begin to most appreciate and model our example as opposed to just our instruction. And this is the primary reason most parents have so much trouble with their teens and tweens… it’s because we’ve already set the example and now they are exactly like us. Unfortunately, we can never go back and undo what’s already done but we can move forward in love and determination.
I would recommend that you create a list of the top 5 things you want your daughter to know, understand, and live by as she completes her journey into womanhood. Be clear and very specific about what you hope to share with her. What is it that you want her to leave your house with? What information, knowledge, skills, understanding, and resolve to you want to make sure she is equipped with as she turns 18, 19, and 20+? Develop this list until you are comfortable enough to share it with her over lunch or at any other time when the two of you are on good terms and sharing a father/daughter moment.
Reference the list when the two of you are at odds, just to remind her of your true motivations. The list is not weapon, it's a reminder. Let her know that you hope to use this list to help guide your relationship and interactions as she matures into a young woman. Tell her what makes you proud of her and what gives you concern. Not confrontationally, but just as a Daddy concerned and in love with his daughter. Let her know you only want the best for her life and you are willing to grow as much as YOU need to so you can be ready to help when she needs you… because life is hard and just like learning to ride a bike she will fall, she will scrape her knee, but daddy is going to be there to pick her up, put her back on that bike and see her through... you only hope to reduce the number of times she has to learn the hard way.
I commend you sir for staying in the fight. But remember you aren’t fighting your daughter you are fighting influences and elements that would lead her down the wrong path. You stand firm. Be the element and influence that continues to show her the benefits of the right path… But not just in instruction… Lead also by example. Hope that helps sir.
