As a married woman (10 yrs), how do I conquer this spirit of lust. As of lately, if an attractive man shows me a tad bit of attention, seems like it turns into a sexual attraction. I am struggling with having a sexual desire for my hubby of 10yrs.

Unfortunately sis you are not alone… a great many husbands and wives feel exactly the same way that you do. And when people do not learn how to recognize what they are dealing with and deal with it openly the marriage is doomed to fail either by omission or commission. Let me explain.

First, there is good news. What you are feeling is actually quite normal. Why? Because marriage, managing a household, and potentially raising a family is all very hard work. Further, far too many people are ill equipped to communicate in a healthy, loving, and helpful way. So over time the weight of life as a married couple, bills, money problems, learning to cohabitate, personality quirks, differences of opinions, and not to mention the specter of having and raising children beats us down. All of this combines to rob the married couples of the freedom, spontaneity, and connections they once shared when they were dating and/or newlyweds. So what do you do?

First, start by figuring out what needs are being fulfilled by this outside attention? Does it make you feel pretty? Sexy? Desirable? Figure out exactly what you are feeling because this is the best clue you have to what you are afraid to ask for or have come to no longer expect in your marriage. It is all too easy to get distracted by the symptoms and miss the source of our problem entirely. Focus on what you feel when you get that “tad bit of attention”.

Second, grow up. Yes, I said grow up. We all need to grow up, so I don’t mean it in an insulting way. In fact, it is much more encouragement than it is indictment. For most of us the true source of our wandering eye is not “lust” but instead a deep dissatisfaction at home. We feel ignored at home or we feel unattractive or worse yet we feel invisible. And that is much our fault as it is our spouse’s fault. We don’t know how to communicate in a loving way. We don’t know how to express our deepest needs and wants without embarrassing our selves or accusing our spouse of being inadequate. We simply must learn to communicate like mature loving adults.

I know people grow apart. I also know that many of us may have actually married the wrong person for the wrong reasons… But even so, if you were EVER actually in love with your “hubby” there is always hope. And at the very least you owe it to yourself to learn to say what you really feel in a loving, caring, and constructive way... This is the most difficult thing many married people will ever have to do… But you owe it to yourself and any chance you have at EVER having a healthy loving relationship to have the tough conversations.

I know this is potentially a very long conversations and it often takes months in direct coaching, counseling, or mentoring to address deep seeded issues, but feel free to post follow up questions for more ideas or clarifications. A book I would strongly recommend is “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson et al. Hope that helps sis.

Ask me anything... Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc...