I see a question below about cheating and that's my question in a way. Over the last few days I've become a little downhearted when I think of the relationships I've had. Both before being saved and after. Is expecting monogamy realistic anymore?

This is a tough question… And I hesitate to answer because I know my answer won’t be popular among those who chose to operate in some degree of fantasy… But, I can hear that you are close to simply giving up on the possibility of monogamy. And fam, that’s a painful and scary thought… because honestly without the possibility of achieving that kind of relationship marriage itself is without merit.

So, honestly, I don’t know if I can answer this question for you. But I can most certainly answer it for me. And the answer for me is that monogamy IS most certainly realistic. However, the expectation of perfection is also equally unrealistic. I think the real source of the problem here is romanticism. We have romanticized marriage to the point that we think the union is a magic pill of some kind that immediately and irrevocably changes people. Unfortunately, that is not true.

We tend to think of marriage some kind of coronation ceremony or finish line when, in fact, on the wedding day the REALLY hard work has only just begun. A successful marriage is not created at an altar. Much like it takes pressure, heat, and many years to form coal into a diamond; it takes years and even decades to transform a wedding into a TRUE marriage.

It’s sort of like raising a child…

If a parent wants to have a child that is a doctor, that PhD won’t come with birth. That PhD is some 25 to 28 yrs down the road… and that child may fail quite a few classes along the way. Further, the parent may have multiple children and only one of them actually be cut out to be a doctor. So is it realistic for a parent to want a child that’s a doctor? Of course it is. But what’s unrealistic is for the parent to expect that road to be easy, without challenges and setbacks… the PhD will NOT be instantaneous.

In much the same way a great marriage is always a work in progress. And from everything I’ve learned about marriage, TRUE monogamy may also be a part of the process. When we are saved we continue to struggle and the Lord is patient with us as we learn how to fight the good fight. In many ways the fight of monogamy is no different. Anyone on any given day can fall. And falling does not make the goal of monogamy any less realistic. But what it does do is force the parties involved to be more realistic about all the challenges that are presented to a couple that wishes to remain that way.

It’s also like trying to lose 60 lbs in a year… one or two months along the way you might actually gain weight… but that doesn’t make the goal unrealistic or unreachable. Learn from your mistakes, recommit yourself to the goal, then buckle down and work harder.

My bottom line on this subject? Unfortunately, monogamy for certain couples/individuals is actually very unrealistic. Everyone is not capable and many who are capable have to learn/evolve into that realization. They are both fortunate and blessed if they have a spouse committed enough to stay with them as they mature. Don’t get me wrong fam, I’m not advocating that you stay by the side of someone who has open and blatant disregard for you, your health, your family, and your self respect. But I am saying that I believe the ZERO tolerance policy has aborted quite a few relationships that had the potential to cross over the bridge into happy/healthy lifelong monogamy. This is why the second spouse often gets the man/woman the first spouse thought they were getting married to... People can and do learn, grow, and improve... even in this area.

So for me? Monogamy as a goal for a couple committed to supporting each other and fighting off the world with everything they’ve got is not only realistic but attainable… it just may take a while to fully develop.

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