OK… So, this is a tough question because there are some very complex issues here. First, the issue is clearly divided between those that take the Bible literally, those who see scripture as just a loose reference, and those who recklessly bend, exclude, and/or modify scripture to suit their own purposes.
If we take the Bible at face value it is clear… Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sin is separation from God, which simply means when we are willfully doing something against God’s instructions for us we become burdened with guilt and shame. These feelings often force us to stop praying and maybe even stop attending Bible study or going to church… Isolation. Sex is so powerful it can draw us away from our relationship with God leaving us exposed to who knows what. How can we pray? How can we have confidence in God’s promises when we have willfully taken ourselves outside of God’s grace spiritually and physically? Most times we don’t and life just gets increasingly out of control and more difficult to handle.
The Bible also teaches us that fornication (sex outside of marriage any other manner of sexual impurity) disqualifies us from the Kingdom of God. The whole specter of sin and disqualification from the Kingdom of God brings up the conversation about perseverance of the saints or “once saved always saved”. So if we do have sex outside of marriage can we never again gain right standing with God? That is a whole other and different debate that has raged for centuries… I am not qualified to debate this issue so I won’t even attempt to delve into that here. But I will say this… If there was actually no way back to the graces of God, I would still be lost.
So instead of addressing this from a purely religious standpoint I am going to take your question at face value. You asked me “What do [I] think about sex outside the sanctity of marriage?” Well… I’d be a hypocrite if I told you that I waited until I was married… I did not. And my view on sex outside of marriage has change significantly over the years now that I have the benefit of study, wisdom, and the perspective that comes from coaching so many single and married people. And now at 43 y/o, having been married for almost 20 years I believe sex outside of marriage simply IS NOT God’s best for us.
On a very practical level, I believe that the Biblical warnings and admonitions about fornication are not so much about sex as they are about us consenting to a life that is outside of God’s will… and by doing so we open ourselves up to all types of physical, emotional, and psychological issues that plague many of us for the rest of our lives. I mentor and coach many ex husbands and wives whose marriages fell apart because they could not get over or forget the sexual lives and partners they had before they were married. In that way, our sexual life outside of marriage makes the success of our marriage, if that is what we so desire, exponentially more difficult.
So believe me when I say, I personally and fully understand both the draw… and the risk. And while I was single I took that risk… some 20 years later I can clearly see how those decisions and relationships complicated my life, openly challenged my marriage, and severely challenged my sensibility and responsibility as a husband. My life would have been a whole lot easier had I been able to walk and live in a way that was in line with God’s Word. I’ve paid the price in many areas of my life losing both ground and traction trying to deal with the emotional, financial, and spiritual consequences of how I chose to live my life. Hope that helps fam.
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visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
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Steven "Bo" Beaudoin Jr. is a Certified Relationship/Life Coach, Author, Speaker, Mentor, and Motivator. a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus. His passion is educating and empowering anyone struggling with Christian Life and Relationships. http://www.facebook.com/BoSpeaks
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2M Communications © 2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What do you think of "Sex outside the sanctity of marriage"?
forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.
Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is shame?
Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based solely on what we can do, see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.
So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.
The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.
People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.
This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.
forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.
Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is shame?
Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based solely on what we can do, see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.
So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.
The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.
People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.
This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.
forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.
Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is guilt?
Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based on what we can do see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.
So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.
The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.
People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.
This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Why is it that it seems that a life following God seems to be so unstructured or well planned (in reference to the post you made to the ladies yesterday)? Is there something I'm missing or am I deviating from God when I create plans that fall through?
I hear a couple of different questions in your post… I’ll try to address each issue, but there’s something about the post itself that I’d like to point out first. My original status read, “Ladies: If you want a man that loves #GOD you need to know a #LIFE of #FAITH makes for a life that isn’t always structured or well planned.”
Please note the use of the phrase “isn’t always”… That means that sometimes, maybe even most times a life following God is “structured or well planned.” But there’s no guarantee. That’s the true focus of this post. Sometimes God requires our security of us in order to follow Him. Sometimes God gives us incomplete directions just to test/exercise our faith. Everything does not ALWAYS make sense and it is very likely if you’ve followed God for a long time you’ve been confronted with decisions and matters of faith that make no sense at all to anyone else paying attention. Sometimes we are asked to put our stability, security, and control on the altar…
As for your specific question, “Am I deviating from God when I create plans that fall through?” there’s no way for me or anyone else to know why any your plans fell through. Being disobedient to God’s will, commands, or instructions are definitely a common reason; but certainly not the only reason. Sometimes we just aren’t very good at planning or executing the plan. Sometime we really need the help of others and are just too afraid, stubborn, self-centered, prideful, bashful, arrogant, or ignorant to actually ask for the help we need. It could be the wrong timing, lack of resources, or limited opportunities that undermine our plans… but that’s a whole different subject altogether.
The purpose of my status was to speak to women who pray every day that God send them a man or make their husband/significant other man after God’s own heart. That’s a two edged sword that many women are not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to handle. Following a true man of God automatically comes with some degree of uncertainty. When a man truly follows God he has to be ready to lay down his own plans and be obedient to what he feels the Lord is leading, asking, and/or requiring him to do… But his commitment to his faith also requires that he take care of his family first… This makes being obedient even tougher… These decisions are not easy when a man is single, so it’s many times more difficult when married.
So if there are times when a man of God has to lay down his plans and give up his security and stability to be obedient… Then there are times when the woman who’s married to him will have to give up her security and stability as well. A life of following God neither promises nor guarantees financial security or stability… only liberty, love, spiritual security, and victory. Hope that helps answer your question sis.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
You said, "Ladies:: Want to know why ALL the men you attract are spiritually immature boys? It's because there's just not enough room in your life for a full grown Christian man." What doyou mean by "a woman not having enough 'room' in her life"?
To answer your question about the “having no room” part of my post, we must first understand and accept that the term “room” implies physical, emotional, psychological, relational, and spiritual accessibility. This is not just a conversation about how “busy” a woman may or may not be.
In a nutshell, a mature Christian man is listening and watching to see if a woman has room in her life, her mind, and her heart for the “role” of a mature Christian man. A mature, Bible believing, Christ centered man has a Biblically centered vision for his life, wife, and family. When he gets to know a woman he is listening AND watching to see what her vision for her life, husband, and family might be.
Basically, the way a woman thinks and what she believes carves out a space in her mind and heart for what she is willing to give up, share, and receive from a man. A mature Christian man expects a very large space in her life. Since a mature (spiritually) Christian man is prepared to commit his life, his finances, and all of his dreams to his wife and family.. he expects some very big things that are in line with his commitment to his future wife and family. He will expect submission. He expects to come first before her friends and family. He expects that she will indeed be open to “follow” him. He will expect that she is prepared and willing to leave her single life behind so that they might build a life together. A mature Christian man expects all of this because he is willing to do the same.
When a woman is not willing or prepared to do any of these things then the space available in her life, the “room”, gets smaller. For each of the things she is unwilling to change, discuss, consider, or embrace the room in her life shrinks… Such that at some point she ends up with this very small space that she hopes to fit a very large man into… She just doesn’t realize she doesn’t have room for him. All she really has room for is some man that has expectations that are small enough to fit into the space she has available. A man that only wants sex will put up with anything and squeeze into any box no matter how small. A man who is prepared to offer nothing expects nothing, so he doesn’t care how little “room” there is available in a woman’s life.
See sis, this is not about how busy a woman might be. Much bigger issues at play here. Thank you so much for having the courage and heart to ask for more clarity. I know there are many others who didn’t really understand so I appreciate you for pushing for more. Hope this helped better explain my status.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
As a married woman (10 yrs), how do I conquer this spirit of lust. As of lately, if an attractive man shows me a tad bit of attention, seems like it turns into a sexual attraction. I am struggling with having a sexual desire for my hubby of 10yrs.
Unfortunately sis you are not alone… a great many husbands and wives feel exactly the same way that you do. And when people do not learn how to recognize what they are dealing with and deal with it openly the marriage is doomed to fail either by omission or commission. Let me explain.
First, there is good news. What you are feeling is actually quite normal. Why? Because marriage, managing a household, and potentially raising a family is all very hard work. Further, far too many people are ill equipped to communicate in a healthy, loving, and helpful way. So over time the weight of life as a married couple, bills, money problems, learning to cohabitate, personality quirks, differences of opinions, and not to mention the specter of having and raising children beats us down. All of this combines to rob the married couples of the freedom, spontaneity, and connections they once shared when they were dating and/or newlyweds. So what do you do?
First, start by figuring out what needs are being fulfilled by this outside attention? Does it make you feel pretty? Sexy? Desirable? Figure out exactly what you are feeling because this is the best clue you have to what you are afraid to ask for or have come to no longer expect in your marriage. It is all too easy to get distracted by the symptoms and miss the source of our problem entirely. Focus on what you feel when you get that “tad bit of attention”.
Second, grow up. Yes, I said grow up. We all need to grow up, so I don’t mean it in an insulting way. In fact, it is much more encouragement than it is indictment. For most of us the true source of our wandering eye is not “lust” but instead a deep dissatisfaction at home. We feel ignored at home or we feel unattractive or worse yet we feel invisible. And that is much our fault as it is our spouse’s fault. We don’t know how to communicate in a loving way. We don’t know how to express our deepest needs and wants without embarrassing our selves or accusing our spouse of being inadequate. We simply must learn to communicate like mature loving adults.
I know people grow apart. I also know that many of us may have actually married the wrong person for the wrong reasons… But even so, if you were EVER actually in love with your “hubby” there is always hope. And at the very least you owe it to yourself to learn to say what you really feel in a loving, caring, and constructive way... This is the most difficult thing many married people will ever have to do… But you owe it to yourself and any chance you have at EVER having a healthy loving relationship to have the tough conversations.
I know this is potentially a very long conversations and it often takes months in direct coaching, counseling, or mentoring to address deep seeded issues, but feel free to post follow up questions for more ideas or clarifications. A book I would strongly recommend is “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson et al. Hope that helps sis.
