Sounds like you might have helped me write a few of my Facebook status updates concerning this very thing.
#1: To defend hurtful actions w/ "that's just the way I am" is a confession that your love of God is not yet BIG enough to change you.
#2: We were 'saved' from "that's just the way I am"... Jesus died so that we don't have to “be that way”. We are "new creatures" free to change our mind and change our life... unless we just choose to “be that way”.
#3: A Moment of Clarity :: "That's just the way I am" is a cop out. That's lazy, ignorant, and trifling talk for unbelievers. You are ultimately who you "choose" to be. Yeah, it may take some time and effort, but you can change your mind (and therefore your attitude) about anything. It's your birthright because the brain is designed that way. "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he." Prov 23:7
Thanks for stopping by fam.
=========================
To find my books or CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. A champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
2M Communications ©2012 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, April 9, 2012
"Accept me for who I am." This is said everything. Working out, attitudes, style of dress, smoking, it just seems like an excuse not to address issues. For things you can't change (height, color, etc), that makes sense. But is this just a cop out mostly?
Why is it that when a nice looking woman has a smile on her face, a positive attitude and a friendly disposition.....guys automatically try to hit on her whether they are involved with someone else or not, young and old?
sis you can stop your description above at "a nice looking woman"... the smile, positive attitude, and friendly disposition are helpful but not necessary. Since the beginning of time men have taken notice of attractive women. But men respected women because they respected themselves... Not so much anymore. The "average" woman no longer feels strongly about boundaries and faith based convictions. And the "average" woman is actually open to anyone showing her some attention. Because of this the "average" man is actually encouraged to "try his luck" so to speak.
If the average woman didn't respond favorably to that foolishness then the average man wouldn't feel so empowered to step across those boundaries. You just stay firm in your own boundaries and once men know what your boundaries are and that they are strong, I promise you they will respect them... even though they might try to test your defenses first. :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Bo do you believe we can be Happy ? And that happiness can be contagious ?
Can we be happy? Absolutely. Happy is a choice not a condition. No matter what our circumstances we can choose to be happy. Ultimately it's a matter of perspective. When we are insecure, immature, or lose perspective we give our right to choose happiness over to the things, situations, and people around us. We look for things and people to make us happy and that's a dead end road. That's not happy, that's just distracted.
True, things and people can make us feel good but true happiness comes from within. True happiness is rooted in what we know, feel, and believe in our hearts. And what's in our hearts is closely tied to our faith. A faith in a higher power makes dealing with life's ups and downs much, much easier. Faith create stability and confidence in every situation and in any circumstance. With the power of faith we take back control over our own happiness and we choose to be happy even when other people can't understand why.
As for happiness being contagious? I don't know if true happiness is contagious, because again it's a function of faith and it's a choice. However, I do know that smiles are contagious, laughing is contagious, positive thinking is contagious, generosity is contagious, courtesy is contagious, and love is contagious. All of these things can make other's happier... But if you really want someone to experience true happiness no matter their circumstance it's not your happiness you need to share, it's your faith. It's like teaching them to fish. If you smile they will smile back for a minute or two never really knowing why. But if you explain to them why you're smiling then they can be empowered to choose the same happiness you have for the rest of their life.
I hope I answered your question fam. Thanks for stopping by.
=========================
To find my books or CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. A champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
2M Communications ©2012 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Thank you so much for suggesting that I check out your page I love it. I recently in this last year joined church and since my life has changed in so so many ways and I am grateful. How do I know when I have found my purpose in life?
Hey sis, congratulations on finding a new church and getting connected. Church isn’t for everyone but for those of us that are in critical stages of our life a good Bible teaching church with sound submitted leadership is a God send; so congratulations again.
As for your question about knowing when you’ve “found your purpose in life”? That’s a BIG one. I don’t believe there are any easy answers to that one. Not because our purpose is hard to find, but because the concept of a life’s purpose is actually really difficult to understand. And as such just about everyone you ask will have a different perspective and tell you something different. It is easy to get confused and/or discouraged trying to get anyone to give you a straight answer. Even now it may feel as if I’m somehow avoiding the question, but I assure you I am not. It’s just a very difficult question to answer.
For example, to most people the idea of a life’s purpose is presented as some kind of spiritual graduation ceremony or the finish to some super natural race. As if you must have achieved some level or spiritual superiority to actually find your purpose. Many people represent the concept of life’s purpose as some kind of finish line or coronation. I personally think that couldn’t be any further from the truth. But I can most certainly see how easily the destination might be confused with the process.
I don’t view our purpose as a destination, but as a journey; a process. And even further I certainly don’t see a life’s purpose in “WHAT or WHERE we do” as much as I see it in “WHY and HOW we do”. Ultimately, I believe our purpose IS TO MASTER THE JOURNEY of accepting, submitting, embracing, and being liberated by and in the freedom to serve God seamlessly in EVERYTHING we do. I believe searching for WHAT or WHERE our purpose is, is a natural but very self centered approach. Part of our journey is being liberated from defining ourselves by WHAT or WHERE we are and redefining ourselves according to God’s OMNIPOTENCE and OMIPRESENCE. It’s not about us… really it’s not.
Ultimately, it’s not about our purpose. It’s about being willing, able, and eager to serve the purposes of God where ever we might be and in whatever way that presents itself on our journey. Sis, I believe that once we have assumed the appropriate posture of genuine joy and submission in the serving the Lord God can use us to do anything, anywhere, and at any time… and in that way it is not about OUR purpose, BUT His.
One year that purpose might be to feed the homeless, the next year it might be to minister to orphans, the year after that it might be to evangelize a work place, or it may just be to be the best parent and spouse we can be in the family that God has given us. In this way our journey is simplified… We are to simply do WHATEVER we do as if we are doing it unto the Lord. No mystery… But we like to think more highly of ourselves than we ought, so many of us refuse to believe it could possibly be that simple.
I believe our real journey is internal and therefore I believe our real rewards and our real purpose are also manifested internally. Once we have died to the notion that we have some great purpose other than simply serving God in any way we can, it is only then that we are truly fit to serve any great purpose at all. It is then that I believe God will use us to do His will; to fulfill His purpose... not ours. It is in this personal death and resurrection that our true HIGHER purpose is ultimately served… Again not specifically in WHAT or WHERE we do anything… but in WHY and HOW we do everything.
Sis, please remember, this is just my own personal perspective. But you asked, so :)... I hope this helps.
Bo
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wouldn’t marriages would be so much stronger if we wait for the mate that God has for us?
I want to make sure we don't over romanticize Christian marriage. I believe far too many women and men have been fooled into believing there is only one person in all of the world who God has created specifically for them... I just don't believe that.
As much as I love my wife and I am convinced she is perfect for me, I am certain that was not the case before or early on in our marriage. God actually used our marriage to perfect us for each other. It's a very involved process and a very tough process at that. So tough in fact, most people literally run away from it as soon as it starts to hurt a little, just like little kids run from the dentist. But as Christian husbands and wives we simply must understand God uses each spouse to chip away at and sand down the rough edges on the other. God uses each spouse to polish the other into a perfectly fitting piece for the other. This perfection happens AFTER the wedding... not before.
I've said this quite a few times in the last 3 or 4 months, no two people are perfect for each other prior to marriage. My wife and I were not either. 20 years ago I actually chose my wife and she chose me. In fact, I am actually my wife’s second husband. And the truth is she chose us both. And it would be easy to just think she must have chosen better the second time, but that would only be partially true. The truth is she was much more mature when I met her and much more ready and willing to do things God's way. Had I married the same woman her first husband was married to we would have very likely gotten divorced too.
So yes, choosing the right “kind” of person is important just as important as being the right kind of person. But in the end, I don’t believe there is just ONE right person that God is hiding from you until just the right moment. That’s some Hollywood stuff. What God wants is for two people to choose each other and then the two of them to choose Him. That’s what we did sis… and our daily decisions to let His Word decide our differences and direct our paths is what has been actively perfecting us for each other ever since.
I think the real tragic irony here is that so many people are sitting around waiting on God to bring them the perfect person and at the same time God is waiting on them to trust Him enough to perfect them together.
Hope that helps fam.
==========================
To find my books and CDs on Motivation, Inspiration, Love and Relationships please visit:
<a href="http://www.BoSpeaks.com">BoSpeaks.com</a>;
=========================
For more about me visit:
<a href="http://about.me/BoSpeaks">About.me/BoSpeaks</a>;
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted, reproduced, or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr.
Monday, October 31, 2011
I greatly admire you. While In my opinion, no two thinkers will agree on everything. I feel drawn to almost the same activities you now do. Counseling, writing, speaking, entrepreneurship. When did you start? How did you get started?
It’s always such a blessing to know that there are people who appreciate your efforts. So I consider your kind words of support a gift to me. Thank you.
To be clear, I am a professional Life Coach, but I have never been a "Counselor". Counseling is a very noble and necessary profession that should be left to the certified professionals. I have no formal training that qualifies me as a counselor and I am certain to make sure that the people I “coach” know the difference in no uncertain terms.
Truthfully, your question about “how I [got] started?” is actually quite difficult to answer. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve ever NOT done what I do. I can recall household unrest from my earliest childhood memories and I can also recall trying to find the words during those episodes to stop my Mama from crying, cheer up, and stay positive. In that way, I've been an encourager, problem solver, motivator, and coach for as long as I can remember. The seeds were planted then and there, so I recognize and appreciate them for exactly what they were. Who I am now is a self fulfilling revelation in many ways and it is something with which I have not always been comfortable.
My built in knack to coach, console, guide, and teach became more evident throughout my youth and into my adult life. I’ve always either been drafted or drawn into roles that required me to speak on behalf of others and/or coach/mentor/train them in various capacities.
The writing and speaking you mentioned are really just a function of my problem solving skills and not a part of some grand plan. :)) Different people learn and process information in different ways. So I’ve simply tried to find new ways to communicate what I feel I’ve been given to share. Books, CDs, speaking, blogs, facebook, twitter, etc… I don’t feel in any way defined or confined by any of those different avenues because the message is unchanged. It is the medium which is altered to reach different audiences so I don't really consider myself to be an "Author" so much as a person that writes. The same can be said for "Speaker"; I'm just a person who speaks. The real distinctions in my mind are vocation and intention. Neither of which I can or desire to associate with writing and speaking.
I said all that to say I really don’t know of any particular starting point. I just do what I feel most passionate about doing… helping, educating, liberating, and sharing with people. That’s who I am. And I would also venture so far as to say that is who I’ve always been, because that is who I was created to be. No real start point to identify.
So if you have a passion fam pursue it. Be patient and make sure WHAT you do never dictates or dominates WHO you are. And if you are humble enough to add faith, stewardship, and accountability to what you do, ALL the rest of that stuff you asked about “Counseling, writing, speaking, entrepreneurship” will take care of itself.
I hope that answers your question fam. Thanks for asking... and thanks again for the encouragement.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I am interested in someone. He is single and unattached, brilliant and easy to talk to. I want more, to really have a chance to get to know him, to be open to possibilities. How do I express interest without pouncing or seeming aggressive?
Caron! Good to hear from you sis. Thanks for trusting me with your question.
The first that comes to mind is that if you don't want to be viewed as "pouncing or seeming aggressive” then don’t be. You said in your question that he’s “easy to talk to” which implies that you have spoken to him on more than one occasion. I would say explore way to expand the conversation around whatever venue, forum, or activity that has already caused you two to cross paths. Whatever you have in common already is the best way to take it up a notch without seeming too aggressive.
Ask questions, ask for assistance, ask for advice, suggest coffee or lunch to discuss something he may be able to assist with, collaborate on, or give advice about… it’s OK for a woman to make such suggestions when there is a legitimate association already established, even if only in passing. Where some women get in trouble is “dictating” and “demanding” things go a certain way at a particular time. Most men think casual “suggestions” show confidence and availability…
Just be sure of two things. #1, you really do have something to talk about. Information, advice, collaboration, etc… You need something to carry the first couple of conversations. #2, you have no expectations of his availability or desire to pursue the association beyond the questions/advice for which you’ve asked. Any unfounded “expectations” are a definite turn off that puts too much pressure on the man to reciprocate your intentions. Too early for that.
If there’s a real connection it will become evident in your conversations. Let things take their course naturally. If there’s something there you will both get a sense of that and more reasons to meet/talk/discuss/and get to know each other will ensue.
Hope that helps sis.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I love to listen, because of that people like to ask me advice too. But I don't know how to handle someone who seeks my advice in private then is disrespectful to me in public. I wanna cut them off, but they came for a reason, right? What have I missed?
Sure everything does happen for a reason, I believe that. I just don’t believe that all those reasons are good ones. Some folks are in your life just to drain you and distract you from what you should be doing. Let people disqualify themselves…don’t fight to give space in your life to people who don’t respect or appreciate it. Maybe what they came to you to learn was some manners and common courtesy, lol.
Seriously, don’t let your kindness, or more specifically your desire to be viewed as kind, force you into accepting less than you know you deserve. People who allow themselves to be disrespected in the name of kindness and compassion are usually masking low self esteem issues and/or an inordinate need to “feel” needed.
The Bible teaches us not to cast our pearls amongst the swine lest they be trampled underfoot… Doesn’t sound like you have a tough decision at all from my vantage point. Hope that helps fam.
Thanks for asking the question.
Bo
==========================
To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://about.me/BoSpeaks
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
formspring.me
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
What advice do you have for women who have already experienced pre-marital sex, especially those women who have been divorced or widowed who already been exposed to "carnal knowledge?"
Wow… That’s a VERY tough question. It’s tough because I try very hard to give people answers that are both Biblical and practical. And I think this may be the first question where I don’t see a combination is workable.
Let’s start by getting the obvious stuff out of the way. Since you used a couple of “church”phrases in your question I am assuming you are, at the very least, a person of faith. And I will also assume that you are concerned with how this situation is affecting your faith, relationship with God, and very possibly your salvation.
So with those assumptions we can establish that you desire to live your life according to the Biblical constructs that you have learned over the years. This means that you now know and/or believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. And you are correct, for Biblically based Christians it is indeed a sin. So I would also assume you are asking me this question because you are experiencing some shame and guilt associated with actions you believe in your heart to be against God’s will for you.
If all of that is correct, then there are really only two directions to go. #1, continue doing what you are doing/want to do and continue to deal with ever increasing guilt and shame until you learn how to block it out or no longer feel/acknowledge it. But because you are asking for advice I believe it’s safe to say that is not what you want. Good… This path leads to separation from God and a hardened heart neither of which I believe you want.
So that brings us to direction #2, “grow” away from the things that make you feel guilty and shameful. I’m sure you already know this and have possibly tried and failed to walk away from “carnal knowledge” because the lure of sex is very strong… particularly when sex is used as a coping mechanism to deal with other issues. And this is where the rubber meets the road. Sis, most of the time when we can’t control our sexual desires it is because we either use or wrongly associate sex with something else like love, acceptance, companionship, or sheer physical/emotional/psychological enhancers (like a drug).
Often people, both men and women, who experience very serious difficulties sticking to their own resolve in this area are dealing with some of the ‘not so obvious’ issues I mentioned. There is a level of sexual desire that is natural and normal, then there is a level that causes us to do things we REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do just so we can have sex… that’s not natural and that’s a problem.
If you are just dealing with normal natural desires I would recommend a lot of prayer, fasting, Bible study, patience, and some new hobbies. You need to distract yourself while you are getting stronger in your knowledge and convictions. God can deliver you but there is no guarantee it will be immediate. And out of love for you it probably won’t be. God created sex so He knows how pleasurable it is for us. And how difficult it is to deal with once you have been married before… So in addition to growing in spiritual and Biblical strength/knowledge I would also recommend you acquire some sexual toys that do the trick for you.
But sis please hear me… This is a LAST resort and a very slippery slope, but it is one that is open to you. (I know I’ll catch grief for saying that from the Puritan crowd, but whatever, I care more about helping you than what people might think of me.) I’m sure they’ll bring up the lust issue, abstinence, purity etc.. And they have valid points, you should pray and strive for those things which are possible, but also very challenging and often riddled with falls and restarts. In the meantime, you are obviously looking for the least guilty and shameful way to deal with your sexual desires. I think this may be as close as we can get to dealing with this situation before you get married again. And I personally would rather someone not get married just for sex.
But to be clear, sis, if the level of desire you’re dealing with has caused or if you believe it will cause you to do some things that are out of character, unhealthy, unsafe, and/or humiliating then I believe a Licensed Professional Counselor (which I am not) may be of great help to you. Bottom line: you may need someone to help you determine if this is REALLY just about sex or if it is about something much deeper (i.e. Lonliness, emotional and/or mental dependencies, misplaced feelings of love and companionship, etc…).
If it’s just sex, although very difficult, it’s pretty straight forward. You need to grow stronger in your knowledge and convictions about sex outside of marriage to fight the “carnal knowledge” you mentioned. And I don’t care what folks tell you sis… it’s NOT just you. Read Romans Chapter 7 and you’ll see that you are definitely not alone in your struggle.
Sis I know I don’t have a clear cut answer for you, but I knew this would be difficult. All I know is that the Lord promises us that He will put no more on us than we can bear. Yours is a heavy load I do not ever wish to carry, so I dare not judge you. I just pray that you continue to seek the Lord’s Will in this and other areas of your life. My wife and I will say a prayer specifically for you sis… I hope something here was of some help to you.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I wonder, did abraham commit adultery when sarah asked him to sleep with the hand maid. whats your perspective.
Yes… by the Biblical definition of “adultery” he did commit adultery.
However, at the time Abraham lived God had yet to establish any ground rules or models for marriage outside the Garden of Eden… Chronologically , the story of Abraham (Abram), Sarah (Saria), and Hagar occurs in the Book of Genesis. So this story is well before Moses and the 10 commandments so we know that the Law of Moses had not yet been established. But even so, once it was established it provided for men to have as many wives AND concubines as he could afford to marry. The more wives and concubines a man had the wealthier he was perceived to be...
And moreover the laws and customs of their culture made it lawful for a wife to offer her handmaiden to her husband for the explicit purposes of bearing children for the wife. Seems odd in our culture now… but for the Israelites a maidservant of a wife was seen as both property AND part of the wife…
So not only was Abraham not subject to the Law, even once it was written his actions would have still been legal, as was the case under the Law of Moses... However, let’s be clear, God never actually condoned the practice of having multiple wives in scripture. What we see in scripture is the evolution of the literal Law of Moses from the original 10 Commandments. As Moses continued to govern the people of Israel, well after Abrahams death, new issues always came up. One of those issues being multiple wives and concubines. I can hear them now… “Abraham did it!”
Moses in an attempt to maintain order wrote laws that permitted both multiple wives and divorce, neither of which were God’s intent for man and marriage. We know this because later when Jesus was confronted with the question of divorce he answered, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning…” This clearly indicates that the Law of Moses, and thereby the example of Abraham, did not line up directly with the will of God on all points particularly concerning marriage and divorce.
There were many things about the Law of Moses and the actions of the patriarchs that God determined was not good for mankind and therefore shifted us from an existence under the Law, where there might be allowances for our selfish desires and loop holes for our own fancy, to a life governed by Grace. And as a part of this transition several things legal under the Law were exposed as less than God’s desire and design for mankind. The Law was fulfilled and updated in the Birth, Life, and Death of Jesus Christ. Just think of “Grace” as the Law of Moses 2.0. The New Covenant is about God’s intent for mankind and not a fallible law to manage our every action…
So to be precise WHAT Abraham did was adultery… But Abraham was not guilty of adultery because the sinfulness of that act had yet to be defined as such. Hope that helps... that's my perspective.
What do you think of "Sex outside the sanctity of marriage"?
OK… So, this is a tough question because there are some very complex issues here. First, the issue is clearly divided between those that take the Bible literally, those who see scripture as just a loose reference, and those who recklessly bend, exclude, and/or modify scripture to suit their own purposes.
If we take the Bible at face value it is clear… Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sin is separation from God, which simply means when we are willfully doing something against God’s instructions for us we become burdened with guilt and shame. These feelings often force us to stop praying and maybe even stop attending Bible study or going to church… Isolation. Sex is so powerful it can draw us away from our relationship with God leaving us exposed to who knows what. How can we pray? How can we have confidence in God’s promises when we have willfully taken ourselves outside of God’s grace spiritually and physically? Most times we don’t and life just gets increasingly out of control and more difficult to handle.
The Bible also teaches us that fornication (sex outside of marriage any other manner of sexual impurity) disqualifies us from the Kingdom of God. The whole specter of sin and disqualification from the Kingdom of God brings up the conversation about perseverance of the saints or “once saved always saved”. So if we do have sex outside of marriage can we never again gain right standing with God? That is a whole other and different debate that has raged for centuries… I am not qualified to debate this issue so I won’t even attempt to delve into that here. But I will say this… If there was actually no way back to the graces of God, I would still be lost.
So instead of addressing this from a purely religious standpoint I am going to take your question at face value. You asked me “What do [I] think about sex outside the sanctity of marriage?” Well… I’d be a hypocrite if I told you that I waited until I was married… I did not. And my view on sex outside of marriage has change significantly over the years now that I have the benefit of study, wisdom, and the perspective that comes from coaching so many single and married people. And now at 43 y/o, having been married for almost 20 years I believe sex outside of marriage simply IS NOT God’s best for us.
On a very practical level, I believe that the Biblical warnings and admonitions about fornication are not so much about sex as they are about us consenting to a life that is outside of God’s will… and by doing so we open ourselves up to all types of physical, emotional, and psychological issues that plague many of us for the rest of our lives. I mentor and coach many ex husbands and wives whose marriages fell apart because they could not get over or forget the sexual lives and partners they had before they were married. In that way, our sexual life outside of marriage makes the success of our marriage, if that is what we so desire, exponentially more difficult.
So believe me when I say, I personally and fully understand both the draw… and the risk. And while I was single I took that risk… some 20 years later I can clearly see how those decisions and relationships complicated my life, openly challenged my marriage, and severely challenged my sensibility and responsibility as a husband. My life would have been a whole lot easier had I been able to walk and live in a way that was in line with God’s Word. I’ve paid the price in many areas of my life losing both ground and traction trying to deal with the emotional, financial, and spiritual consequences of how I chose to live my life. Hope that helps fam.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven "Bo" Beaudoin Jr. is a Certified Relationship/Life Coach, Author, Speaker, Mentor, and Motivator. a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus. His passion is educating and empowering anyone struggling with Christian Life and Relationships. http://www.facebook.com/BoSpeaks
==========================
2M Communications © 2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr.
forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.
Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is shame?
Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based solely on what we can do, see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.
So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.
The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.
People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.
This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.
forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.
Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is shame?
Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based solely on what we can do, see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.
So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.
The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.
People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.
This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.
forgiveness of self? [So many people] are beating themselves down for getting laid off or getting dumped or losing the house or whatever. How does one... forgive themselves for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
I appreciate you trusting me with your questions. First, let me make sure we are on the same page… In my mind “forgiveness of self” is just another way to describe “guilt and shame”. If that is an accurate interpretation of what you intended to say then we are indeed on the same page. So the question can be reworded as” how does one overcome ‘guilt and shame’ for circumstances that they may have created or not created?
To overcome guilt/shame of any kind we must first have to understand that GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE… the exact opposite of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH. Read that again and let it sink in a bit… GUILT and SHAME are the OPPOSITE of being RESPONSIBLE and having FAITH.
Faith is our belief in the promises of God no matter what we might see, hear, or think. Faith is the sum of an ‘illogical dependence’ and its related actions all based on the promises of God. Simply put… We believe God’s report over whatever might be going on in our life because we know that He is ultimately in charge. So then, what is guilt?
Shame is our disbelief in the promises of God based on what we can do see, hear, and think. Shame is our ‘logical response’ to things that happen in our life when we feel like we should have been able to handle it. In a nutshell, shame is what we feel when we tried to take charge and we messed it up… Shame is the absence of faith. Just like darkness is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat… shame is the absence of faith.
So don’t waste your time trying to get rid of shame, because the only thing that can do that is get more faith. You don’t need LESS shame bruh… you need MORE faith. So to overcome shame we must not dwell on it, but instead focus our energy on building our faith. The Bible teaches us that faith comes by hearing, and [true] hearing by the word of God. This means that we need to first know what the promises of God are before we can profess to believe them. This builds our faith and does away with our shame.
The exact same things can be said for the relationship between GUILT and being RESPONSIBLE. GUILT is the feeling we get when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. So to feel less GUILT we have to BE more responsible… Take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past, what you plan to do today, and what is going to happen to you in the future. Your responsibility coupled with an increased faith creates an environment in your life where guilt and shame become powerless over you.
People who beat themselves up are ultimately denying the power of God. They are denying and/or disbelieving that God can indeed make EVERYTHING that is happening, will happen, or has ever happened, work out in their favor. Stand on God’s promises and the flood of shame and guilt can’t get to you. Figure out what and how God would have you conduct yourself at home, on the job, and with your friends/family… then guilt and shame will not be an issue.
This advice is not about undoing anything… This advice is that you will stand up and take responsibility for your life and everything in it. And with the power of God’s promises begin to move forward in Faith, Responsibility, and Love… guilt and shame no matter how deep, how dark, or how menacing are no match for a man that decides in his heart to do that. Hope that helps fam.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Why is it that it seems that a life following God seems to be so unstructured or well planned (in reference to the post you made to the ladies yesterday)? Is there something I'm missing or am I deviating from God when I create plans that fall through?
I hear a couple of different questions in your post… I’ll try to address each issue, but there’s something about the post itself that I’d like to point out first. My original status read, “Ladies: If you want a man that loves #GOD you need to know a #LIFE of #FAITH makes for a life that isn’t always structured or well planned.”
Please note the use of the phrase “isn’t always”… That means that sometimes, maybe even most times a life following God is “structured or well planned.” But there’s no guarantee. That’s the true focus of this post. Sometimes God requires our security of us in order to follow Him. Sometimes God gives us incomplete directions just to test/exercise our faith. Everything does not ALWAYS make sense and it is very likely if you’ve followed God for a long time you’ve been confronted with decisions and matters of faith that make no sense at all to anyone else paying attention. Sometimes we are asked to put our stability, security, and control on the altar…
As for your specific question, “Am I deviating from God when I create plans that fall through?” there’s no way for me or anyone else to know why any your plans fell through. Being disobedient to God’s will, commands, or instructions are definitely a common reason; but certainly not the only reason. Sometimes we just aren’t very good at planning or executing the plan. Sometime we really need the help of others and are just too afraid, stubborn, self-centered, prideful, bashful, arrogant, or ignorant to actually ask for the help we need. It could be the wrong timing, lack of resources, or limited opportunities that undermine our plans… but that’s a whole different subject altogether.
The purpose of my status was to speak to women who pray every day that God send them a man or make their husband/significant other man after God’s own heart. That’s a two edged sword that many women are not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to handle. Following a true man of God automatically comes with some degree of uncertainty. When a man truly follows God he has to be ready to lay down his own plans and be obedient to what he feels the Lord is leading, asking, and/or requiring him to do… But his commitment to his faith also requires that he take care of his family first… This makes being obedient even tougher… These decisions are not easy when a man is single, so it’s many times more difficult when married.
So if there are times when a man of God has to lay down his plans and give up his security and stability to be obedient… Then there are times when the woman who’s married to him will have to give up her security and stability as well. A life of following God neither promises nor guarantees financial security or stability… only liberty, love, spiritual security, and victory. Hope that helps answer your question sis.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
You said, "Ladies:: Want to know why ALL the men you attract are spiritually immature boys? It's because there's just not enough room in your life for a full grown Christian man." What doyou mean by "a woman not having enough 'room' in her life"?
To answer your question about the “having no room” part of my post, we must first understand and accept that the term “room” implies physical, emotional, psychological, relational, and spiritual accessibility. This is not just a conversation about how “busy” a woman may or may not be.
In a nutshell, a mature Christian man is listening and watching to see if a woman has room in her life, her mind, and her heart for the “role” of a mature Christian man. A mature, Bible believing, Christ centered man has a Biblically centered vision for his life, wife, and family. When he gets to know a woman he is listening AND watching to see what her vision for her life, husband, and family might be.
Basically, the way a woman thinks and what she believes carves out a space in her mind and heart for what she is willing to give up, share, and receive from a man. A mature Christian man expects a very large space in her life. Since a mature (spiritually) Christian man is prepared to commit his life, his finances, and all of his dreams to his wife and family.. he expects some very big things that are in line with his commitment to his future wife and family. He will expect submission. He expects to come first before her friends and family. He expects that she will indeed be open to “follow” him. He will expect that she is prepared and willing to leave her single life behind so that they might build a life together. A mature Christian man expects all of this because he is willing to do the same.
When a woman is not willing or prepared to do any of these things then the space available in her life, the “room”, gets smaller. For each of the things she is unwilling to change, discuss, consider, or embrace the room in her life shrinks… Such that at some point she ends up with this very small space that she hopes to fit a very large man into… She just doesn’t realize she doesn’t have room for him. All she really has room for is some man that has expectations that are small enough to fit into the space she has available. A man that only wants sex will put up with anything and squeeze into any box no matter how small. A man who is prepared to offer nothing expects nothing, so he doesn’t care how little “room” there is available in a woman’s life.
See sis, this is not about how busy a woman might be. Much bigger issues at play here. Thank you so much for having the courage and heart to ask for more clarity. I know there are many others who didn’t really understand so I appreciate you for pushing for more. Hope this helped better explain my status.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
As a married woman (10 yrs), how do I conquer this spirit of lust. As of lately, if an attractive man shows me a tad bit of attention, seems like it turns into a sexual attraction. I am struggling with having a sexual desire for my hubby of 10yrs.
Unfortunately sis you are not alone… a great many husbands and wives feel exactly the same way that you do. And when people do not learn how to recognize what they are dealing with and deal with it openly the marriage is doomed to fail either by omission or commission. Let me explain.
First, there is good news. What you are feeling is actually quite normal. Why? Because marriage, managing a household, and potentially raising a family is all very hard work. Further, far too many people are ill equipped to communicate in a healthy, loving, and helpful way. So over time the weight of life as a married couple, bills, money problems, learning to cohabitate, personality quirks, differences of opinions, and not to mention the specter of having and raising children beats us down. All of this combines to rob the married couples of the freedom, spontaneity, and connections they once shared when they were dating and/or newlyweds. So what do you do?
First, start by figuring out what needs are being fulfilled by this outside attention? Does it make you feel pretty? Sexy? Desirable? Figure out exactly what you are feeling because this is the best clue you have to what you are afraid to ask for or have come to no longer expect in your marriage. It is all too easy to get distracted by the symptoms and miss the source of our problem entirely. Focus on what you feel when you get that “tad bit of attention”.
Second, grow up. Yes, I said grow up. We all need to grow up, so I don’t mean it in an insulting way. In fact, it is much more encouragement than it is indictment. For most of us the true source of our wandering eye is not “lust” but instead a deep dissatisfaction at home. We feel ignored at home or we feel unattractive or worse yet we feel invisible. And that is much our fault as it is our spouse’s fault. We don’t know how to communicate in a loving way. We don’t know how to express our deepest needs and wants without embarrassing our selves or accusing our spouse of being inadequate. We simply must learn to communicate like mature loving adults.
I know people grow apart. I also know that many of us may have actually married the wrong person for the wrong reasons… But even so, if you were EVER actually in love with your “hubby” there is always hope. And at the very least you owe it to yourself to learn to say what you really feel in a loving, caring, and constructive way... This is the most difficult thing many married people will ever have to do… But you owe it to yourself and any chance you have at EVER having a healthy loving relationship to have the tough conversations.
I know this is potentially a very long conversations and it often takes months in direct coaching, counseling, or mentoring to address deep seeded issues, but feel free to post follow up questions for more ideas or clarifications. A book I would strongly recommend is “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson et al. Hope that helps sis.
formspring.me
Monday, July 18, 2011
As a man how do we block out temptation? I'm a young man and I want to do right by my girl but temptation is everywhere I look. How do you deal with it? What are some suggestions for blocking it out?
Well, you know there isn't some quick answer I can throw on you. I'm going to have to take some time to consider this... But I will say what I know for sure. There is NO "blocking it out", that's not a good strategy. There will ALWAYS be temptation. Jesus was tempted and it is widely believed in theological circles that the Apostle Paul too was tempted regularly.
“Temptation” is not the enemy. Weak convictions and spiritual ignorance are the real enemy. We all are tempted. And as long as you’re alive you will be tempted on some level. It’s a fact of life. Blocking it out is like burying your head in the sand, just not very effective. The truth is that temptation is never going to get weaker or go away, we simply have to face it and get stronger. This is your opportunity to grow up. But you can’t do it alone…
For most men I know this is a lifelong struggle... a battle. And believe it or not our strongest defense and ally in this fight is a Sexy, Supportive, God fearing, Bible believing wife. I firmly believe that a man simply cannot stand up to temptation alone. He needs a wife that can stand with him, keep him strong, keep him focused, and help him keep his eyes, hands, feet, and the rest of his body parts at home where they belong. It’s not entirely his wife’s responsibility, but make no mistake about it fidelity is a team sport. You both will play critical roles in keeping your minds and bodies where they are supposed to be. I feel extremely sorry for any man that does not have this as a firm foundation. But even so, that's just the physical side of the battle...
There's also the mental and spiritual side of the battle. A man must first in his heart decide who he is and who he wants to be. For real. Don’t lie to yourself. Who are you? There's no room for faking the funk. If a man wants to run the street there's nothing in the world that’s going to stop him. For a man like that, he's not fighting temptation he's looking for opportunities. I know... I used to be that dude.
When you make up your mind about who you are and what you will and will not do then you must get ready for battle... battle on every front - mental, physical, spiritual, all of it. A wife who understands your struggle and is prepared and determined to fight with you (not against you) is your best foundation, but a real understanding of scripture and a growing faith in God is going to prove to be your best weapon.
To win this war you'll need to always be preparing for battle. This war is waged on daily basis. And until you are mature enough in your determination to do the will of God for you and your family there are just some things you can't listen to. Some places you can't go. Some things you can't do. And Some things you can't watch because they are like letting the enemy into your camp while you are still weak. And once you gain a better understanding there's a lot of that stuff you will cut out forever. Why play with fire? Unless you really want to or are willing to get burned.
Sir, this is only the start of this discussion... I could go on for pages and pages, books even. (hint, hint, lol) But this is the fundamental DNA of my longer winded response to your question. I hope it helps sir.
