Really sis? You've been dating for 9 YEARS and you think the cat food question is your best clue that he's uncommitted? 9 years? I don't care if he knew the name of every hair on your cat's body his attention to the details about your cat is the least, or should be the least, of your concerns. In my book there's no reason at all to "date" for 9 years unless marriage is simply out of the question for you both. What is he wating to learn about you that he doesn't already know? The brand of cat food you use? I think not. Clearly he's a renter and not a buyer.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I have concerns with my mind screaming at me non stop. What's the best way to quiet my mind? Pray and have faith that God will still my thoughts? I know it's imperative to be still in order to hear God? I'm also attempting to be a micro-manager of my life
So… that opening statement is cause for some concern. But not just because you say your mind is “screaming at you non stop” but because you speak of your own mind as if you have no control over it. The way that sentence reads could lead one to believe that you view your own mind as an adversary or other entity that is separate from you as an individual. That is definitely a concern that may need professional guidance to master.
Here's a confession... I’m not really a doctor, although I sometimes sound like one on Facebook. ;-)) So, if you really feel like your mind is not your own to control and master you might want to speak with a counselor qualified to help you address the source of that of detachment. On the other hand, if your question really is just how to “quiet [your] mind” and/or “still your thoughts” I may be able to help in that regard.
One thing most people don’t know is that their reality and their mentality mirror each other. You can learn a lot about what’s going on in someone’s mind by studying their surroundings. And this organic manifestation of reality is a two way street. Chaos in the mind equals chaos in life and the same is usually true in both directions meaning Chaos in life leads to Chaos of the mind. But I did say “usually”. And I said usually because ultimately your state of mind and therefore your life is the result of a series of choices. So to alter your life and your state of mind you need to make choices to facilitate that change.
If you want to calm your mind start by making decisions to calm your life and surroundings. Cut out all of the distractions and unnecessary things that stress you out. Choose to disengage from unnecessary actions and activities that feed the chaos on the outside. Cut some people loose if you must, even if it is only for a season. You simply must take control of your surroundings if you ever hope to take control of your thought life. And by minimizing the “noise” in your life you can begin to also minimize the “noise” in your mind.
If you find it difficult to control your thoughts then don’t waste time trying to shut them off, instead refocus them on how to bring peace and rest to your life. Focus on how to make your life less cluttered and more centered… If you can begin to achieve this new reality it will start to spill over into your mentality as well.
Don’t retreat into your mind. Instead go on the offensive and reclaim the peace and order in your life. As you begin to master your environment and minimize the external chaos, it will pay huge dividends in what and how you think about yourself and your life. Hope that helps fam and don’t be ashamed to seek the help of a professional counselor if feelings of emotional detachment persist.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hi Bo! Im 35 and I am not dating. There are prospects, but none are suitable. Meanwhile, my friends have abandoned me during a time of some major challenges I am facing. Should I just accept this as "quiet time"?
In reading your question I can hear several things. I hear patience, maturity, and wisdom. All of which are extremely important traits if any of us are to ever achieve the peace and happiness we desire. Congratulations you sound very well adjusted especially considering the average 35 y/o has the emotional and relational capacity of a 9th grader. :)) But that's not all I hear, there are a couple of other things I hear as well, even in only faintly, that may prove to be problematic if not considered.
***NOTE: I will assume that since you are seeking my advice you will not be offended by my penchant to use Biblical references and a Spiritual context in explaining some key concepts.*** So here goes...
#1 - One of the things I detect is the feeling of "abandonment". This is a dangerous and very destructive emotion and although sometimes it is entirely warranted most often it is not. Honestly, this word shouldn’t even be in the Christian vocabulary. It is impossible for a true believer to ever actually be “abandoned”. Further, when our friends are not in position or seem unwilling to assist us, it is often God’s hand that is restraining them. Many times what we consider abandonment is simply God isolating us so we can learn to depend more deeply and fully on Him and His provision/plan for our lives.
And further still, there are those of us that are being called out from among our friends because they are not destined to go where God is leading. Don’t mistake “preparation” for abandonment. Don’t mistake “isolation” for abandonment. And most definitely don’t mistake God’s plan to draw you closer to Him as if it is instead just your friends pulling away from you. Now I am no one to say whether your assessment of the situation is valid or not, it could very well be. All I hope is that you take some time and consider other possibilities.
#2 - I hear resentment, but this is most likely a byproduct of the feelings generated by your sense of abandonment. Reconsider your conclusions about abandonment and it will work to eliminate the resentment that is may be looking to take root.
#3 – I also hear fatigue. It sounds to me like you’ve been fighting the good fight in your emotional state and in your relationships holding out for the one God has for you. However, you still strongly desire the security and comfort of a significant other; so strongly in fact, your “defenses” may be weakening to the point that you are considering reevaluating your relationship standards. This may only be on a subconscious level but there are clues in your question that point to this conclusion. To that I say stay the course. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Most people don’t realize it, but you can’t be a productive part of a healthy relationship until you are comfortable being alone. Besides if you know someone is not “suitable” don’t make up excuses for them or lower your standards just to be with someone. Conversely, don’t drive someone away who is perfect for you just because they don’t measure up to the list you created in your mind. Never give up the fight to keep your mind, heart, and eyes open.
#4 – I hear stress… Stress related to standing by your resolve and your decision making process. You asked, “Should I just accept this as ‘quiet time’?” This question indicates that in your heart you don’t feel like this should just be quiet time. It sounds like you are accustomed to fighting to get what you want /need /desire /expect… I know that can get stressful particularly when you feel as if you are fighting alone. But this takes us full circle to the feeling of abandonment…
Is it remotely possible that God is orchestrating this season in your life to draw you closer to Him? Is it possible that God is waiting on you to learn how to rest in His power and provision? After all, if we are to believe the Bible then His power is made perfect in our weakness, right? Some fights are not ours to fight. So if God is speaking to your heart to move… move. But if you feel God is telling you to just be quiet. Then be quiet. But not just quiet like a butterfly, apathetic and ignorant of your surroundings, but be quiet more like a leopard getting in position to pounce.
For those of us truly called according to His purpose there is no such thing as “just quiet time”. With the proper understanding and expectation we can rest and prepare for battle while God tears down the walls of Jericho. Ultimately we are most powerful when we are totally dependent upon God to move on our behalf. So don’t just be quiet; but be still, quiet, and prayerful listening for battle instructions from the Lord. And be ready to move when He says move. And in that way, this may not be a time to just be quiet, but instead it just might be the time to “just get ready.”
Hope that helps fam.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Is there such a thing as Safe People in the dating circle? I should read: Are there Safe people that single Christians should look for when beginning dating a new person? We all want to change things in our life that did not get the results that we want.
Hey sis, I think I understand your question now... But unfortunately, I don't know if I can answer it completely. I believe you are asking what "things" should a Christian keep in mind or signs they should look for when dating? I assume the source of this question is a desire to protect yourself from crazies and not get hooked up with the wrong kind of person.
If I am on track then I'm going to recommend a couple things. First, don't focus on the other person focus on yourself. You need to spend some time really uraveling your own intentions and desired. You need to know WHY you are looking for someone. And you need to know WHAT you are looking for in someone else. Then when you start dating you can minimize confusion and not waste your time.
As for staying away from crazies... the #1 tip I can give is keep your clothes on. This alone will eliminate 90% of the crazies while dating. The second thing I would recommend is to add fasting and prayer to your dating preparation. Prayer and fasting will prepare you mentally to withstand all the temptations that come with dating. And further, by fasting you actually clear your mind to hear from God about a particular person you might be dating. The Lord will reveal the crazies to you. Fasting tunes your "crazy person" radar and puts it on HIGH. ;-)
One other thing you might want to do is read my Top 10 FAKE BOAZ Clues (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&suggest¬e_id=392171734719)
hope that helps sis.
Do you think that the church is in trouble to get new members?
I saw this question and my mind went racing. Just so many issues wrapped up in this one little question… I don’t even know where to start. First let’s be clear “the church” in this context is not “THE CHURCH”. THE CHURCH is the body of Christ in the earth identifying a supernatural collection of believers that called according to his purpose. “the church” is the business of building a congregation and collecting tithes and offerings to support the business of building a congregation and collecting tithes and offerings to support the business of … (you get the picture). So in the context of your question we are talking about “the church” and not THE CHURCH because we both know that the purpose of THE CHURCH is not to “get new members.”
Alright, on to your question about membeship in “the church”… I have sooooooo many things to say on this subject because the perversion of the mission and charter of the church is rampant and runs deep. Just not enough space here to address it adequately… But I will say this, when a church turns its focus from “winning souls” to getting “new members” it is out of order. This is a perversion of the intent of the church. This need for “new members” is tied to a need for the money that a church expects to extract from these “new members. Most churches aren’t working to create brothers and sisters in Christ, they are working to create additional sources of income. Members = money. In the end membership is about money and not about winning souls. Who should care where a soul that is won to Christ will worship? Don’t be fooled that conversation is not about souls.
Secondly, to answer your question more directly, YES the church is in trouble… major trouble. Again I’m not talking about THE CHURCH, I’m talking about the church. It is most definitely in trouble… particularly “traditional” churches. Just look at the largest churches you know. Think about the churches you know with the most members/attenders. The idea of church spans a wide array of implementations and to get new members a church has to change the way it conducts its worship services. People are changing and being changed by technology. Churches that do not follow suit will become further and further disconnected with each new generation. That’s why our elders make up such a large percentage of the population in “traditional” churches.
My last comment on this issues is this, the biggest challenge to the church in coming years will not be how to “get new members” it will be how to keep its current members from leaving. The church has had a revolving door for years. As people come they are usually passing people on their way out. Historically, the survival of any church was to make sure it could get new members at a faster pace than the current members leave.
People are coming to the church by the millions everyday… but for the first time in history they are leaving just as fast as they are coming. Note the high turnover in faces and leadership within the church. Why is this? Ultimately, people are much more educated and much more capable of understanding scripture for themselves and this higher spiritual IQ creates a lower tolerance for foolishness. Bottom line is if leadership is real and committed to truly serving the community and the body of Christ members will stay. Churches need to be transparent with their finances, open to democratic leadership, and accountable to the membership. Anything less will be flushed out eventually and people will leave.
Hope that helps sis.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I see a question below about cheating and that's my question in a way. Over the last few days I've become a little downhearted when I think of the relationships I've had. Both before being saved and after. Is expecting monogamy realistic anymore?
This is a tough question… And I hesitate to answer because I know my answer won’t be popular among those who chose to operate in some degree of fantasy… But, I can hear that you are close to simply giving up on the possibility of monogamy. And fam, that’s a painful and scary thought… because honestly without the possibility of achieving that kind of relationship marriage itself is without merit.
So, honestly, I don’t know if I can answer this question for you. But I can most certainly answer it for me. And the answer for me is that monogamy IS most certainly realistic. However, the expectation of perfection is also equally unrealistic. I think the real source of the problem here is romanticism. We have romanticized marriage to the point that we think the union is a magic pill of some kind that immediately and irrevocably changes people. Unfortunately, that is not true.
We tend to think of marriage some kind of coronation ceremony or finish line when, in fact, on the wedding day the REALLY hard work has only just begun. A successful marriage is not created at an altar. Much like it takes pressure, heat, and many years to form coal into a diamond; it takes years and even decades to transform a wedding into a TRUE marriage.
It’s sort of like raising a child…
If a parent wants to have a child that is a doctor, that PhD won’t come with birth. That PhD is some 25 to 28 yrs down the road… and that child may fail quite a few classes along the way. Further, the parent may have multiple children and only one of them actually be cut out to be a doctor. So is it realistic for a parent to want a child that’s a doctor? Of course it is. But what’s unrealistic is for the parent to expect that road to be easy, without challenges and setbacks… the PhD will NOT be instantaneous.
In much the same way a great marriage is always a work in progress. And from everything I’ve learned about marriage, TRUE monogamy may also be a part of the process. When we are saved we continue to struggle and the Lord is patient with us as we learn how to fight the good fight. In many ways the fight of monogamy is no different. Anyone on any given day can fall. And falling does not make the goal of monogamy any less realistic. But what it does do is force the parties involved to be more realistic about all the challenges that are presented to a couple that wishes to remain that way.
It’s also like trying to lose 60 lbs in a year… one or two months along the way you might actually gain weight… but that doesn’t make the goal unrealistic or unreachable. Learn from your mistakes, recommit yourself to the goal, then buckle down and work harder.
My bottom line on this subject? Unfortunately, monogamy for certain couples/individuals is actually very unrealistic. Everyone is not capable and many who are capable have to learn/evolve into that realization. They are both fortunate and blessed if they have a spouse committed enough to stay with them as they mature. Don’t get me wrong fam, I’m not advocating that you stay by the side of someone who has open and blatant disregard for you, your health, your family, and your self respect. But I am saying that I believe the ZERO tolerance policy has aborted quite a few relationships that had the potential to cross over the bridge into happy/healthy lifelong monogamy. This is why the second spouse often gets the man/woman the first spouse thought they were getting married to... People can and do learn, grow, and improve... even in this area.
So for me? Monogamy as a goal for a couple committed to supporting each other and fighting off the world with everything they’ve got is not only realistic but attainable… it just may take a while to fully develop.
I'm 49 and the guy I'm dating is 36. He's a fantastic man but I still have some issues with the age difference. I keep thinking about if we stay together, I'll be 60 before he's even 50. Any advice?
If he's really a "fantastic man" then he obviously doesn't have an issue with your age... So don't turn it into one. Remember sis, we get what we focus on... If you dwell on it, it WILL become your reality. So think about this, does he make you feel insecure about your age? Or is this just something you're dealing with in your own head? If he's making you feel insecure directly or indirectly you need to speak up. A good man will correct his ways if he cares about you. But if this is all in your head and you are insecure all on your own then there's nothing he can do to "fix" that for you... And believe me, a “good man” will pick up on this dysfunction and insecurity as DISTRUST… and that can't lead to anything good. Besides if you aren’t getting married chances are great that he’ll be gone long before you have to worry about 60 y/o. But if you two are planning to get married and build a life together then when you're 109 he'll be 96... Oh the horror! Lol, Big deal...
Sis you have to keep perspective on this issue because tomorrow is not promised anyway. And the Bible tells us that we were not given a spirit of FEAR but of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-CONTROL. So walk in that. You have the power to give and receive love no matter the age difference. You also have the power to overcome your insecurity with some of that self control. Put all negative thoughts out of your vision for your future. Make up your mind to be the ‘baddest’ 60 y/o woman that ever lived! Confidence is ALWAYS sexy no matter what age.
And here's a little secret... My wife will be 50 next year, she's actually 7 years older than I am, and she's still the perfect woman for me. Why? Because she knows she is and acts accordingly. Focus on your worth and self esteem sis, NOT your age.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I sing in church choir, practice 2 nights/wk, & sing 3X on the weekends. It takes up a lot time. I love to sing its my ministry. But my oldest child running wild since I never home. I think the devil want me to quit the choir. What to do? Sing/Quit?
I REALLY wish I could sing, but I can't. And by "can't", I mean I can't even hum in tune. Singing is an incredible gift. I'm amazed when people can sing REALLY sing good. There's something that happens when somone who can really sing gets caught up in the Lord and just let's go... Wow is all I can say about that. Just wow.
It must be an wonderful feeling to be such a central part of praise and worship. It must make you feel good about yourself and make you feel like you are really doing the work of the Lord. I can easily see how singing in the choir could be more importanti than raising y... [[WAIT, STOP!!]] This is where I get off the bus.
Honestly, there's really no question here about what you should do. No matter how good singing in the choir might make you feel at this point it is a distraction. You need to drop that mic right where you stand and GO HOME!
As a Clarity Coach I find people all the time that are torn, confused, and in pain because their priorities are out of order. Just because something "feels" good doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
I often tell the people I mentor that there are three kinds of activities in your life:
#1 Things that ANYONE can do.
#2 Things that SOME people can do.
#3 Things that ONLY YOU can do.
Then I ask them, "For which one do you think God is going to hold you accountable?"
Fam, if you drop that microphone someone will fight off 15 other GREAT singers to get to it first and catch it before it even hits the ground... But if you ask the entire church congregation if any one of them will go home and raise your child so you can stay and sing? ....................................................................*crickets* ...................... is the only sound you'll hear.
Go home fam. Your family is your first ministry and should also be your first priority. No question.
Hope that helps.
I sing in church choir, practice 2 nights/wk, & sing 3X on the weekends. It takes up a lot time. I love to sing its my ministry. But my oldest child running wild since I never home. I think the devil want me to quit the choir. What to do? Sing/Quit?
I REALLY wish I could sing, but I can't. And by "can't", I mean I can't even hum in tune. Singing is an incredible gift. I'm amazed when people can sing REALLY sing good. There's something that happens when somone who can really sing gets caught up in the Lord and just let's go... Wow is all I can say about that. Just wow.
It must be an wonderful feeling to be such a central part of praise and worship. It must make you feel good about yourself and make you feel like you are really doing the work of the Lord. I can easily see how singing in the choir could be more importanti than raising y... [[WAIT, STOP!!]] This is where I get off the bus.
Honestly, there's really no question here about what you should do. No matter how good singing in the choir might make you feel at this point it is a distraction. You need to drop that mic right where you stand and GO HOME!
As a Clarity Coach I find people all the time that are torn, confused, and in pain because their priorities are out of order. Just because something "feels" good doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
I often tell the people I mentor that there are three kinds of activities in your life:
#1 Things that ANYONE can do.
#2 Things that SOME people can do.
#3 Things that ONLY YOU can do.
Then I ask them, "For which one do you think God is going to hold you accountable?"
Fam, if you drop that microphone someone will fight off 15 other GREAT singers to get to it first and catch it before it even hits the ground... But if you ask the entire church congregation if any one of them will go home and raise your child so you can stay and sing? ....................................................................*crickets* ...................... is the only sound you'll hear.
Go home fam. Your family is your first ministry and should also be your first priority. No question.
Hope that helps.
Friday, June 4, 2010
I don't think God likes your new approach to ministry. If you are supposed to help people what does money have to do with that? Why are you talking about ROI and ministry together?
wow... first, it sounds to me like what you're really trying to say is that you appreciate my ministry and don't want me to stop. :-))) At least that's what I'm going to assume you're trying to say. So thank you for your concern and heavily veiled vote of confidence. lol. ;-)
As for your first question, unfortunately, money has waaaaaaay too much to do with ministry. The Apostle Paul found this out the hard way. The need for money in the early church was a recurring theme with Paul frequently defending the need to finance the ministry. I hate that it's true, but time IS money. And it costs a great deal of time to read, respond, and minister to the people who need.
And, if you're any good at it, the people just keep coming and the lines get longer and longer and longer and it takes more and more and more time to help people. At what point can someone no longer afford to do that for free? If you sat outside the front of your house 20 hours a day talking to people about Jesus could you hold down a job? Pay your rent/mortgage? Could you even afford to eat? Unfortunately, people called to minister still have a life and bills just like the people who need their help...
So, when it comes down to choosing how best to invest my time? There are quite a few commendable activities, endeavors, and opportunities that will always come second to providing for my family.
I don't have a formal ministry. I don't have a 501c3 or anything of the sort. I just do what I can for people. The more I do it the more people seem to want/need me to do it. So when I say ROI (Return on Investment) I'm specifically talking about the amount of time involved.
Further, please understand that the place I find myself in is temporary. I'll be back. In fact, I'm already being blessed and it is that fact that gave me the time and peace of mind to sit down and try to answer your question as best I can.
thanks for caring,
Bo
Thursday, April 1, 2010
im finding myself doing things i shouldnt be and then feelling so bad after that i dont want to face me in the mirror. Guilty. i want to get my spirit clean and keep it clean, what can i do? why is it so hard to resist the devil, how can i stay on track?
First sis everyone struggles in some way... NO ONE IS PERFECT. But most folks like to portray themselves as Super Holy so they don't let anyone know that they are struggling, but they are just like you. And when I say everyone... I mean everyone. You just can't see most people while they are struggling, so it's easy to think you're the only one... you're not. Sin and temptation attack everyone, they ain't no punks.
The Bible says the "enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy." (John 10:10) Sin, temptation, and the devil are also characterized in 1 Peter 5:8 "as a roaring lion, [that] walketh about, seeking whom he may devour". That’s serious…
The battle of sin is so powerful in fact that our only hope was for Jesus himself to die and pay the penalty of sin to break its hold on humanity. It’s because of Jesus we are saved... but we are not sinless. I’m actually really happy to hear that you are feeling guilty. This means that the Lord is speaking to your heart… and you’re listening. You see sis, it's actually because of the unconditional Love of Jesus that you are currently feeling any guilt at all. It’s because Jesus loved you enough to die so you wouldn't have to be a prisoner to temptation, that you now feel guilty when you do give in.
Think about it… Why feel guilty if it wasn't already resolved? Why feel guilty if there was no way to overcome it? You feel guilty because you know in Him you have the power to do better; to make better decisions and to ultimately be better. You want that, I want that, and Jesus wanted it so bad he died for it. I assume because you are feeling such a high degree of guilt you are already saved… is that a safe assumption? You have already confessed your belief that Jesus Christ was the Son of God and that He died for your sins, and rose again? I hope so… If not, let me know, we can take care of that too.
But if so, there’s good news sis. You want to get your spirit clean and keep it clean? You can! As you know, your spirit is the inner being that loves God and wants to do the will of God. To “clean” that inner being, your spirit, you must repent for your actions to date, accept God’s forgiveness, and claim your liberty.
I know when people say repent folks get all cross eyed, but all it really means is that you get to a point that you are so sorry for what you’ve done that it hurts… You cry about it and wish it would have never happened. You decided you never want to live that way again and you ask God to forgive you and honor your commitment to never go back. “Repent” is just the super spiritual word some people use to describe that process. That’s what it takes to clean away all the mess and guilt of your past… and your future. As long as your heart is sensitive to the quiet conviction of the Lord’s truth you’ll continue to grow and you’ll learn how to clean up the messes you might create.
Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy, but it is simple. The hard part is actually learning to forgive yourself and stop caring what other people think… This is difficult because we often lose the battles and have to keep going back to God for the same things. The Apostle Paul spoke about this battle most eloquently in chapters 7 and 8 of the book of Romans. And that’s actually where I would recommend you start reading and studying if you really want to get on the right track and stay there.
I say start there because the most important thing you need to understand is that some of the temptation will never go away. It will be your cross to bear on a daily basis. But it’s that same temptation that will eventually teach you to lean entirely upon the Lord. Because sis, if you’re like everyone else you’ll keep messing up and you’ll keep going back in repentance for forgiveness. Then when you conquer an issue in the spirit, you’ll find another challenge and start the process all over again.
This cycle is actually by design. As we grow we endeavor to become more like Christ… So as we learn more about Him we recognize more about ourselves that is displeasing to Him. Working on those things is how we work out our faith and become mature Christians; never perfect, but sincerely repentant, ever improving, and always forgiven. I pray that this helps you get moving again.
Hit my Inbox sis. I’m happy to help you and point you in the right direction.
I have been dating someone for 9 months. He talks marriage, but no ring and no proposal, but also talks about moving in w/me but yet won't disclose his finances. I don't like being in this situation, and am starting to push him away...
I would assume your question is “what do I advise you to do in this situation?” At this point, he obviously does not share your degree of respect for the union. And if he doesn’t respect the union now… what makes you think for a moment that he’ll respect it later. This is real life. He’s playing games; and if he’s not playing games on purpose? Then he’s not taking you seriously admitting to you that he’s currently too immature to fully appreciate the serious nature and risk of marriage.
Hold up… all you want are financial records? What about medical history and a full background check? This is no time to be playing games. A person with nothing to hide… has nothing to hide. But by the same token we all have to understand that this “information” must not be used to “disqualify” someone we are truly in love with. This information should be used to establish a healthy level of full disclosure for two people that are prepared to commit to loving each other for better or for worse.
Marriage is not the clinical business transaction it has become to most people; it is something much more profound. And in that way everything you need to know about a spouse is not learned from their history or current status for that matter. For example, my finances were in complete disarray when I met my wife… but so were hers. We both disclosed this information before we were married and had actually worked out a plan to begin addressing the problems. Marriage was the answer for us, because what neither of us could do alone we figured out how to do as a team.
When we are so short sighted as to use this kind of information to exclusively decide matters of the heart we can potentially negate God’s overall plan and design. People often forget or simply ignore that marriage is actually a tool that God uses to mature and grow each person in ways that they could have never grown on their own as singles. Some of us are so focused on the finished product that we fail to recognize the tremendous value of a diamond in the rough. I mean, what if a man’s finances are jacked up because he has yet to find his true help meet as ordained by the Lord. When God puts two together one is usually strong where the other is weak and vice versa. The two of them are stronger together than either of them could ever be alone.
So what am I advising you to do? Stop pushing. Start talking because real serious adult communications are in order. Figure out what you need and expect then figure out how to clearly communicate the same to him in no uncertain terms. Establish what your prerequisites are and why they are critical to the success of the union. A man that loves you will respect your wishes even if he doesn’t completely understand your perspective. And oh yeah… lock your “extra key” in a safe for the time being.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My question,,,,How can you start dating with two young children??? Where would you meet this special person......God gives us what we need and not what we want. I know what I want,,,, but it isn't going well. Do you have an answer????
OK, LOL, you got your money’s worth on this one. Several questions rolled into one. I can't say that I have an 'answer' but I do have some ideas I pray that you find helpful.
Question #1 : How can you start dating with two young children??? I’ve learned that people can figure out how to do anything they have to do or ‘really’ want to do. If you can’t figure out a way to date, you may not be ‘ready’ to date. Dating is not a matter of convenience it’s a matter of decision and determination. The kids could stay with friends or family for a few hours in the evening or on the weekend. You could hire a baby sitter or take advantage of a local church’s Mom’s day/night out program. You could also meet for lunch during the normal work day. People can and will figure out how to do anything they really want to do. The question for you is do you really want to? Are you ready?
Question #2 : Where would you meet this special person? Well, I’d get busy living. I’d get fully engaged in the things I am passionate about. I’d take classes, join clubs, and attend events that were in line with my passions. The person you want will likely have some similar interest and therefore you’ll have a better chance of meeting that person while actively engaged in pursuing that passion. The benefit of this strategy is that if it really is your passion you can focus on the activity and not focus on ‘looking/searching’ for Mr. Right, which could come across as needy.
Get to know you and what you like to do, start living your life like you’ll never ‘find’ him… because you won’t if you’re ‘looking’. The ‘search’ gives off the wrong energy. But learning, laughing, and living all send off the right vibes that lead to loving. What are you passionate about? Cooking, kayaking, working out, photography, the Arts, charity work, Breast cancer awareness,… what? Figure it out and get busy living sis. The man you want is probably out there doing the same. You can’t expect him to come knocking on your door because he doesn’t know where you live… yet. ; ) Hope that helps sis.
Do you think married women REALLY want to know/or care if their husband is cheating on them? If so, who should tell the husband or the mistress?
Given the full array of marriage arrangements now, I’m quite certain this is not a one answer fits all type question. I’m sure given the full spectrum of circumstances, situations, personalities, and expectations the answers would range from most definitely ‘yes’ for some, ‘maybe’ for some, to ‘it depends’ for some, ‘probably not’ for still some others, and even flat out ‘no’ for still some others.
As far as who should tell? Generally speaking, ‘if’ anyone is to tell it should be the husband. For the most part, the ”mistress” stands to gain nothing by “telling” other than possibly vengeance or retribution of some kind. It’s not like she has become altruistic and is suddenly looking out for the best interest of the wife. And even if guilt/repentance has finally taken over and forced her to change her ways that is between her and the Lord. I would suspect that a mistress who decides to “tell” has been, or at least feels, spurned or disrespected in some way and only then decides to lash out and hurt someone else in return.
But as I said there are actually situations that run the full gamut. I can also see situations where the wife and the mistress are close friends or even family… in that case the mistress may be forced to reveal the situation if the husband will not. I’ve seen this between sisters, cousins, neighbors, best friends, co-workers, etc… In situations like these the close proximity means the mistress would have to continue to perpetuate the lie in the face of the offended spouse. The close proximity also raises the likelihood that repeat offenses could occur. This situation, if unresolved, could hinder the mistresses own attempts at redemption, salvation, and moving on. I’ve seen scenarios where the mistress and the wife were much too close to not confess and ask for forgiveness. But without this level of connection, the mistress’ best option is to simply cut all ties and move on without causing any further damage to the marriage.
What advise do you have for a young man looking for a good women?
A couple of things come to mind ::
#1, you must become a “good man”. Relationships that last are ultimately subject to simple equilibrium. Meaning that for a relationship to last and prosper the couple must not be unequally yoked. What does a good woman want with a trifling man? Even if she does get mixed up with him, she will eventually come to her senses and move on. The truth of the matter is this, you can only hope to keep a woman that is as good a woman, as you are a good man. If you are 50% of a good man… you should expect to only be able to keep 50% of a good woman. You get and keep what you are. Your destiny in relationships is that your significant other will ultimately be a reflection of you.
#2, make sure you understand that there is a HUGE difference between a “good woman” and a ‘good wife”. True, a good wife is most definitely a good woman… but not the other way around. There are very good women who are actually terrible wives. So if I were you I’d sit down and write a job description for the wife of your dreams. What would your wife like to do, love to do, want to do, never do, etc…? You need to know what kind of woman would make a good wife for you.
Think of it this way, if I tell you I want a ‘good vehicle’ what do I mean? Am I talking about a bike, a boat, a truck, a tractor, a plane, what? Is a Ford F-150 a ‘good vehicle’? Sure… but it may not be the ‘right’ vehicle for what I want to do. Finding a ‘good woman’ is simply not enough.
#3, Some additional advice about a ‘good woman’ that I am sure it to get me in trouble…
[[Remember ladies this man asked about a ‘good woman’ so I’m only going to speak that issue]]
I’d recommend you strongly consider a woman that has been married before… I’m just saying, man to man. I’ll take the heat because you cared enough to ask and I care enough to tell you what I really think. I recommend a woman that has been married before because her illusion of what a marriage is and what a wife should or should not do has been refined. Most women married for the first time just don’t get it right. Some do… most don’t. Most first time wives really have no clue what it takes to be a ‘good wife’. Many of them are great women… but terrible wives. There are several reasons the first marriage divorce rates are so high, and this is one of them.
Are women completely to blame for the current first time marriage divorce rates, of course not. But I feel your chances of finding a great wife are much better when dealing with women who’ve learned from the problems in a first marriage. It’s amazing to me how much people, both men and women, change in the second marriage. It’s like the first marriage is some kind of test run. Unfortunately, the first spouse deals with all the misconceptions, attitudes, illusions, and marital immaturity while the second spouse reaps all the benefits of lessons learned.
That’s my two cents… let the ear beatings commence.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I spent 1/yr/20 hr/day fighting the bill that converts The Land Of The Free into a socialist Nanny state. What does God want? Why would He allow thw Evil to prevail against us? How do we all pull together as Chistians under Our Supreme Leader?
Your question is actually much less about complex politics, policies, and “evil” than it is about fundamental Christian perspective and purpose. Unfortunately, we tend to lose sight of God’s overall plan for the earth as described in scripture. Further, we seem to ignore the full history and trajectory of God’s chosen people as well as his standard methodologies for dealing with them.
Ultimately, who’s winning and who’s losing at this very moment is a matter of perspective. How do we know evil is “prevailing” if we consider that there is absolutely nothing in scripture that indicates, implies, or promises that evil won’t be “leading” at half-time? Evil may actually still be in the lead and building until our key player reenters the game in the final minutes to secure our victory. In the meantime, there’s no guarantee we won’t be getting out butts kicked for long stretches at a time. Therefore, the proper perspective demands that we see the whole game through Gods eyes and in light of his stated plan.
So, as long as Christians are “focused” on temporal issues like Politics there will always be division, disagreement, and strife even among Christians. I personally believe this is a trick of the enemy… We can’t be defeated but we can be distracted and divided. And given that the very nature of Politics is polarizing, there’s no way around that. But, when an understanding and appreciation of God’s plan is fully embraced our perspective will inevitably shift from things that are temporal to things that are eternal. Which is more important, the number of votes we can get in the House of Representatives or the number of 8th graders we can introduce to the Lord? I’m just saying… Purpose is tied to Perspective. When we shift from a Political to a Kingdom perspective our purpose also shifts from a Political to a Kingdom purpose.
So the only way for Christians to “pull together” is to learn, embrace, and become more passionate about our “Supreme Leader’s” plans policies as we are about our National leader’s plans policies.
I spent 1/yr/20 hr/day fighting the bill that converts The Land Of The Free into a socialist Nanny state. What does God want? Why would He allow thw Evil to prevail against us? How do we all pull together as Chistians under Our Supreme Leader?
Your question is actually much less about complex politics, policies, and “evil” than it is about fundamental Christian perspective and purpose. Unfortunately, we tend to lose sight of God’s overall plan for the earth as described in scripture. Further, we seem to ignore the full history and trajectory of God’s chosen people as well as his standard methodologies for dealing with them.
Ultimately, who’s winning and who’s losing at this very moment is a matter of perspective. How do we know evil is “prevailing” if we consider that there is absolutely nothing in scripture that indicates, implies, or promises that evil won’t be “leading” at half-time? Evil may actually still be in the lead and building until our key player reenters the game in the final minutes to secure our victory. In the meantime, there’s no guarantee we won’t be getting out butts kicked for longs stretches at a time. The proper perspective demands that we see the whole game through Gods eyes and in light of his stated plan.
So, as long as Christians are “focused” on temporal issues like Politics there will always be division, disagreement, and strife. The nature of Politics is polarizing; no way around that. But, when an understanding and appreciation of God’s plan is fully embraced our perspective will inevitably shifts from things that are temporal to things that are eternal. Which is more important, the number of votes we can get in the House of Representatives or the number of 8th graders we can introduce to the Lord? I’m just saying… Purpose is tied to Perspective. When we shift from a Political to a Kingdom perspective our purpose also shifts from a Political to a Kingdom purpose.
So the only way for Christians to “pull together” is to learn, embrace, and become more passionate about our “Supreme Leader’s” plans policies as we are about our National leader’s plans policies.
I spent 1/yr/20 hr/day fighting the bill that converts The Land Of The Free into a socialist Nanny state. What does God want? Why would He allow thw Evil to prevail against us? How do we all pull together as Chistians under Our Supreme Leader?
Your question is actually much less about complex politics, policies, and “evil” than it is about fundamental Christian perspective and purpose. Unfortunately, we tend to lose sight of God’s overall plan for the earth as described in scripture. Further, we seem to ignore the full history and trajectory of God’s chosen people as well as his standard methodologies for dealing with them.
Ultimately, who’s winning and who’s losing at this very moment is a matter of perspective. How do we know evil is “prevailing” if we consider that there is absolutely nothing in scripture that indicates, implies, or promises that evil won’t be “leading” at half-time? Evil may actually still be in the lead and building until our key player reenters the game in the final minutes to secure our victory. In the meantime, there’s no guarantee we won’t be getting out butts kicked for longs stretches at a time. The proper perspective demands that we see the whole game through Gods eyes and in light of his stated plan.
So, as long as Christians are “focused” on temporal issues like Politics there will always be division, disagreement, and strife. The nature of Politics is polarizing; no way around that. But, when an understanding and appreciation of God’s plan is fully embraced our perspective will inevitably shifts from things that are temporal to things that are eternal. Which is more important, the number of votes we can get in the House of Representatives or the number of 8th graders we can introduce to the Lord? I’m just saying… Purpose is tied to Perspective. When we shift from a Political to a Kingdom perspective our purpose also shifts from a Political to a Kingdom purpose.
So the only way for Christians to “pull together” is to learn, embrace, and become more passionate about our “Supreme Leader’s” plans policies as we are about our National leader’s plans policies.
Friday, March 19, 2010
You've given advice on what it takes to obtain & keep a happy marriage.But lately I've noticed you have been flirting somewhat with the female friends on your page.Is the fame of FB getting the best of you and your ego?
Hmmmm... that's an interesting observation. Shall we assume by lately, you've been following my online work for more than a year or two? I would hope so, because I'd give your assertion a whole lot more credibility if you had... So let's assume you have. And, in that case, your question would imply that I am somehow acting in a way that is unbecoming to my ministry and possibly even detrimental to my marriage... I simply don't see that. But…
But then there's a reason Blind spots are actually called "blind spots"... So I'll go back and read as many of my recent posts to see if I have in some way disrespected myself, my wife, or my ministry. (If anyone reading this post knows of any conversations or comments that I've made online which were untoward in any way, please copy them and paste them back here, anonymously, and I will address them openly and accordingly.)
Now as for "fame of FB"... that is hilarious, I can't even take that part seriously. LOL. But, thanks for caring enough to call me on this.
I'm in love with a man that has a woman (not wife)/ they have a child. we were in a short relationship but he went back home. I still care for him. what can i do to stop sleeping with him? im worth more than that but its so hard to resist him, then when h
I'm in love with a man that has a woman (not wife)/ they have a child. we were in a short relationship but he went back home. I still care for him. what can i do to stop sleeping with him? im worth more than that but its so hard to resist him, then when he leaves i feel so bad and guilty.
What can you do to stop sleeping with him? Stop. Well, let me put it this way you obviously don’t like the current set up or you wouldn’t be asking this question. So you’ve realized now that ‘something’ has to STOP. So let’s take inventory… Option #1. You seem resigned to the fact that he won’t stop and why should he… from his perspective he probably feels like he’s got a pretty nice set up. Option #2. His woman could stop it… Another unlikely scenario, because they have a child and he’s not married to her and she’s pretty much settled for taking what she can get too. So I don’t think she’ll be much help to you either.
So… that leads us to Option #3. You stop it. But you’re in so deep now you’re addicted to the situation. It has become the pain you know… and you seem to prefer it to the pain you don’t know. At this point, there’s nothing in your statement that leads me to believe you have the strength to stop this on your own. Because when you really want to stop it… you will. But that brings us to Option #4. Stop lying to yourself. You are obviously OK with this setup on some level… And that’s the real problem. That’s why you are so conflicted. You think in your head this should be a problem for you, but in your heart it really isn’t. That’s a very, very, dangerous place to be mentally. Sounds like you might have some self-esteem issues that have caused you to settle for this mess.
So, what am I recommending… Option 5. Contact this “man” and tell him all the things you are feeling, better yet, write a letter. In the letter explain that this relationship is unhealthy. Explain that it makes you feel sad, bad, and guilty. Tell him you don’t want to feel that way and you deserve to feel better. Tell him that you have figured out that he and this situation is not good for you. But that you don’t have the strength to stand up for yourself. Tell him you are praying that he is man enough and that he love you enough to stand up for the both of you… If he truly cares for you… he’ll walk away. If he loves himself, he’ll ignore your plea and try to make you OK, with his sweet setup no matter how it makes you feel.
What do you have to lose? Either he’s man enough to walk away. Or you’ll find out he cares more about himself than you and really doesn’t deserve your love and loyalty. Either response should give you some new options you don’t seem to have right now. And looking forward, whether you end this or not, you must work on your self image sis. You simply must get to a point that you truly value your own sense of self worth at least as much as you seem to value loyalty. But... here's a secret that trumps all the information above... if you really want to stop… just Stop.
How do you feel about couples needing their space from one another? Problem: I have my own hobbies and a job that takes me out of town occas. Had an issue before with my new boyfriend talking/going out w/another woman while gone... How do u get past that?
Well there are two questions here, so I’ll try to take them one at a time…
#1 :: How do you feel about couples needed their space from one another? First, I don’t see unmarried couples in the same context as married couples. Unmarried, I say fight to keep your “space”. Married couples, I say that term should be removed from your vocabulary. Because hopefully you are marrying someone you can be with 24/7/365 for the rest of your life. I know a lot of people won’t agree with that but there’s a reason the divorce rate is so high. I’m not saying give up on all of your hobbies or separate friends, but I am saying to give up on anything that is taking away from or causing challenges in the marriage. The marriage comes first.
#2 :: How do you get past the fact that your new boyfriend that is “talking/going out w/another woman while gone”? Uh, sorry sis… you don’t get PAST that, unless by “get past it” you mean, how do you stop caring about yourself so much that you don’t care if he continues to openly and blatantly disrespect you? To get past it you need to get past him. But there is potentially a second problem here as well. Your job… unfortunately, there are actually jobs out there that are bad for relationships. Certain jobs make it difficult to build and maintain relationships, it’s a sad fact of life and one I’m sure no one wants to hear in this economy. But, you need to figure out if your job is helping or hurting your relationships. I’m not saying to do anything about it, I’m just saying you need to know what role it may play in any future relationships and decide accordingly.
Hope this helps. ; )
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A relationship end with this guy by him. It has been 2-3mons since we have talked. He has recently been appearing n my dreams n thoughts regarding his relationship with Christ..is it GOd or my subconscious with my own motive?.should I contact him
I'm no "dream reader". But if I had to guess from the contents of your comments alone, I'd say you are just looking for reasons to contact him. Believe me the Lord can and will use anyone to reach him if need be. Besides if his relationship with Christ was not resolved while you were "together", it seems a bit odd that it is so important all of a sudden.
Continue to pray His strength in the Lord and pray that the Lord will convict his heart and draw him closer to the cross. You can certainly pray and keep moving at the same time. And that is exactly what I would recommend in this case.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I don’t think you answered that other question about Homosexual Christian Church. What do you think of the church?
Oh… you know I think you’re right. Maybe I wasn’t very clear… So first, I must confess the term Homosexual Christian Church is new to me so I have to assume you are talking about a Christian Church that is OK/or promotes openly homosexual relationships. If that’s correct, then my answer is fairly straight forward. I don’t think God is pleased with such a church. Particularly if the church is touting its “Christian” belief system. I put “Christian” in quotations because I see a disconnect in the logic behind such a title.
As politically incorrect as it may be in 2010, the Bible is clear on its stance against homosexuality. As it is clear on its stance against all other activities it defines as “sin”. Whether we agree with it or not the Christian faith is built on Biblical principles that define the totality of dogma and doctrine for the faith. It is undeniable that this doctrine calls homosexuality a sin.
I know the arguments about errors, rewrites, and the proposed politics leading to the presumed fallibility of scripture. I understand why some might be uncertain and even more possibly convinced that homosexuality was added as a sin at some later date by some less than Divine authority. I don’t have the theological or academic background to dispute such a claim. However, for me, it seems pretty clear and consistent in its stance against ALL forms of acts identified in scripture as “sexual immorality” including adultery, fornication, bestiality, and homosexuality.
So maybe my perspective is tainted because I’ve never struggled with homosexuality… But I have struggled mightily and lost the battle with fornication (it was only marriage that saved me). “Better to marry than to burn.” So because I had my own insurmountable struggles I just can’t see how to give homosexuals a “free pass” because their form of struggle is different. In my ignorance and acceptance of Biblical authority it is at the very least in the same “category” of sexual immorality.
So I have to ask myself how would I have felt about a “Fornication Christian Church”. I don’t mean a church where that happens, because it’s everywhere even in the pulpit. But I mean, like the definition above, a church “that is OK/or promotes openly promiscuous premarital relationships.” Man that would have worked out great for me… So why should homosexuals get a free pass? What about an Adulterers Christian Church? See I think it only fair that homosexuals get their ear beatings right along with the rest of us. If we are to call ourselves “Christians” there is a cross to bear… No free passes.
So this is where I differ from most of my Christian brethren and that’s in application. I for one don’t have to agree with what you are doing to love you. I don’t “tolerate” homosexuality… I love people. I love alcoholics. Because I can appreciate their daily struggle. I love the adulterous church leadership and the promiscuous youth crowding our pews… I don’t “tolerate” them either. I love the drug addicts, prostitutes, and criminals… No need to “tolerate” anybody because I’m not any better than anyone else. I love my homosexual brothers and sisters, even if I don’t agree/understand their lifestyle. But still sin gets no free passes. I’m proud to ascribe to a higher standard in my own struggles. In my walk, my struggle, I get no free passes. I must die to myself daily to manage, survive, and grow as a Christian. So why shouldn’t all Christians do the same if that’s what the Bible teaches?
But ultimately my methods of sharing the Gospel are different from most. My chosen form of communicating the Gospel is much more “contemplation” than it is “condemnation”. So as it pertains to a Homosexual Christian Church. I think the concept is misguided at best and/or completely denies the redemptive and transformative power of Christ at worst. But would I visit such a church? Sure. Would I pray with my brothers and sisters there? Sure. If they ask me what I really thought of the Homosexual Christian Church… I’d skip up to paragraph 2 above and start over, “As politically incorrect as it may be in 2010, the Bible is clear on its stance against homosexuality. As it is clear on its stance against all other activities it defines as ‘sin’….” I hope that answered the question.
Friday, January 15, 2010
formspring.me
What's the limit of questions we can ask per day?
lol... you can ask as many as you like. But I'll only answer as many as I have time to answer. However, my intent is to get to every question I can as soon as practical.
Just please be patient because I do have clients that are actually paying for one on one face time and/or phone coaching. So please forgive me, in advance, if I get a little back logged at times.
formspring.me
How can you brush off your own feelings of jealousy?
That's a loaded question because jealousy itself is usually just a symptom of something else. People feel jealousy for a number of reasons. But let make sure we are talking about "jealousy" and NOT "envy".
Jealousy is an emotion that deals exclusively with internal fear and insecurity in a relationship of some kind. But envy is not relationship specific and can be associated with myriad external factors. Jealousy is about trying to "keep" something and envy is about trying to "get" something.
Jealousy is not always unfounded. And neither is it always a negative emotion. In some instances it's not even jealousy at all... it's intuition.
Every romantic monogamous relationship has a healthy level of protective jealousy/intuition infused. It is human nature and Biologist, Psychologists, and Sociologists have recognized studied the emotional, physical, and chemical effects of this natural human reaction in children as young as 5 months old.
However, jealousy can quickly become unhealthy when the person experiencing that emotion feels trapped, helpless, or lacks the skills to communicate / resolve their feelings rationally. Uncontrollable jealousy leads to outward physical manifestations of depression, aggressive disposition, even rage and very possibly violence.
If at any point I felt any form of jealousy forcing me to do things out of character I would immediately talk to someone in a professional capacity.
But short of such drastic measures most people simply need to learn to recognize what they are feeling. Identify the source of those feelings. And then learn to articulate why the situation makes them feel that way.
In every healthy relationship resolution of such feelings requires that both parties be aware of the source and take measures to increase trust and decrease uncertainty.
In cases where both parties are unwilling to make any concessions at all for the other the unresolved emotions can become a cancer that ultimately destroys the relationship.
I advise all couples to take Communications Counseling/Coaching as early in the relationship as possible. Let me know if this helps.
formspring.me
Even if you click on from facebook? Your profile won't be tracked?
too funny... :) even if you click on from facebook... on your birthday, with your mama on the phone, and your driver's license taped to your forehead; you're still anonymous... but just remember God is watching and he might tell me. LOL. So go ahead, ask me anything.
formspring.me
Are you sure this is anonymous?
Positive. The site has no way of knowing who you are because you didn't sign in. Further, if you do set up an account you don't have to sign in to post any questions. But if you are signed in, you still have the option of posting anonymously.
The whole point of the site it to get anonymous questions/feedback.
formspring.me
What is your problem with prayer?
I don't have a problem with prayer at all. But I do have a problem with people who think that's all they are supposed to do. When we pray we should be asking God to show US what and how to do what needs to be done. We should be asking him for the provisions to support our moves, actions, and activities of faith... not just praying for Him to go fix it.
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